Nearly every night these days, I get ready for bed, crawl under the covers, and then wait patiently for my wife to put on her pajamas, brush her teeth, and get into bed as well so that I can read to her. We don’t always read the same book at the same time, but when we do, we take turns reading aloud to one another.
It’s my turn to read, and we’re currently reading The Lord of the Rings (first time for her, at least the seventh time for me). In the past we have together read Watership Down, Franny and Zooey, The Velveteen Rabbit (I guess we have a thing for rabbits!) and The Brothers Karamazov, to name a few.
Annie will usually stay awake until the end of a given chapter, but sometimes she nods off. When she does this, I quietly close the book we are reading.
Even more quietly tell her I love her, and say goodnight. . .
I then log off of Skype, turn off the laptop sitting at my bedside, and go to sleep alone.
Annie is currently living 800 miles away from me, and except for a brief respite during the Christmas holidays, has been for most of the past eight months. She received an amazing (but limited term) job offer that was hard to pass up, and we decided it would be best if I remained behind and kept the home fires burning until we got a better sense of what the future might hold for both of us.
We knew that this decision “made sense” on a number of levels—practically, financially, and perhaps even spiritually (insofar as we felt that God had given Annie this opportunity for a reason and seemed to be opening doors for her to pursue it while at the same time firmly closing doors that might have made it feasible for me to follow).
The Emotional Challenges of a Long-Distance Relationship
Emotionally, we knew it would be rough. As soon as she left, we suddenly lost many of the little rituals that kept us connected as a couple. I couldn’t kiss her forehead before I headed out the door in the morning because my bed was consistently empty after I got up.
There was no dinner companion (often there was no dinner!) when I got home. Gone were our evening walks around the neighborhood when we would process the little triumphs and troubles of our days and our hopes for the future and where God might be working in all of that. And there was no holding to be had when bedtime rolled around.
We have always viewed our ability to communicate with one another as a strong point of our relationship, but this year has really tested our relational skills. We have developed some creative ways to communicate, to let the other person know that s/he is thought of and much loved even though far away. But there is only so much one can do to comfort, to encourage, or to challenge one’s beloved via e-mail, or telephone, or even video chat.
The first few months were easier for me. I certainly felt Annie’s absence keenly while I was at home. Otherwise though, my daily and weekly routines remained largely intact, and I had many sympathetic friends nearby who did their best to keep me from feeling lonely (and unfed).
Meanwhile, Annie was trying to navigate a new job in a new city where she didn’t know anyone. Recently, however, the situation has reversed. Having become accustomed to her surroundings, she is now thriving in her current position, while I am longing for things to be “normal” again.
Finding God While at a Distance
Where have we encountered God in this experience?
One of the gifts of the time apart has been a chance to reassess, a few years into our marriage, who we are as individuals and as a couple and to be honest with ourselves and with each other about some changes we would like to make going forward to keep our marriage strong and thriving and to be more fully the people God has called us to be. We have been able to devote more time to interests we don’t share in common and also to cultivating our respective personal relationships with God.
We look forward to integrating the fruits of this personal and spiritual growth into our daily relationship as husband and wife.
With the end of our extended time apart now on the horizon, we’re still not sure whether the choice we made was the right one. Most days not being together (for now) feels difficult but necessary—but some days it just feels wrong.
We hope that what we have learned about ourselves and about one another enriches our relationship in the future.
