The Meaning of Love

By John Bosio

A few months ago I received an unsolicited email message entitled “The Meaning of Love.” The author had collected many definitions of love given by young children, ages four to eight years old. Here are three that caught my attention:
“When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.”
“Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.”
“Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken.”
These are truly examples of love that is self-giving through which couples imitate Christ in their everyday life, and when they do they are an example to others, especially to their children, of God’s love.

Love is giving without strings attached. A friend of mine once told me that he was upset because he had given his wife an expensive birthday gift and she had not shown the gratitude he expected. It is true that expressing appreciation for the gifts we receive is important, but it is even more important to give without expecting something in return. There are spouses that give each other gifts or do favors for each other keeping a mental score card that tracks what each does: “I did this and that for you. Now you owe me!” This “quid pro quo” type of love contains the shadow of selfishness and it is a sign of unhappiness in a marriage. John Gottman, researcher and author of The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work writes: “Happy spouses do not keep tabs on whether their mate is washing the dishes as a payback because they cooked dinner.” True self-giving, without strings attached, is unconditional love. It is like God’s love for us. Unconditional love is the purest form of giving.

Unconditional love is the gift of our self, our time, our energies, and our attention for the benefit of the spouse and for the sake of the relationship. But giving unconditionally does not mean that you become a doormat. It does not mean doing everything your spouse wants, or accommodating destructive habits, or acting in ways that go against your principles, or accepting behaviors that are demeaning to you and to your spouse. John Welwood, author of Journey of the Heart writes, “Unconditional love does not mean having to like something we in fact dislike or saying yes when we need to say no.” Love is giving while you remain true to yourself. It is giving while you preserve your integrity. Doing this sometimes means expressing feelings and opinions that differ from your spouse’s. It may mean disagreeing when you have a different opinion, and exposing a problem when you see that one exists. Self-giving love may mean confronting unacceptable behaviors. In fact, challenging your spouse can be, at times, a heroic act of love done for the sake of the relationship and for the sake of your spouse.

Question for Reflection: Do you and your spouse keep score with each other?

John Bosio is a former marriage and family therapist, director of religious education, and diocesan family life coordinator. He and his wife, Teri, wrote Joined by Grace, a marriage preparation program from Ave Maria Press.