The Catholic Church regards marital intercourse as the most intimate gift of one person to the other and sees it as more than just “having sex,” which is having intercourse for self-gratification. The Catechism of the Catholic Church states, “In marriage the physical intimacy of the spouses becomes a sign and a pledge of spiritual communion” (CCC, 2360). Making love involves a mutual surrender that unites body and spirit and that is the source of pleasure and joy. The Catechism reminds spouses that the physical pleasure of sexual intercourse is a gift from God to be enjoyed (CCC, 2362). It is in sexual intercourse that spouses celebrate their being a communion of persons. In that communion, they place their fertility at the service of God. For Catholics, sexual intercourse is always intimately tied to God’s creative power.
Chastity and Tenderness in Marriage
The virtue of chastity must guide you in your intimate self-giving. Yes, chastity is a virtue that applies to married couples. The practice of chastity does not lead you to suppress your natural desire for affection and sexual intimacy. You live chastely when you recognize your own and your spouse’s sexual needs and give yourselves as a gift to each other.
This “gift of self” in conjugal intercourse is more than just a physical encounter, as Karol Wojtyla (St. John Paul II) explains in Love and Responsibility. It is a meeting of two persons who desire to express their love for each other. He points out that tenderness is the attitude that helps spouses stay attuned to one another, emotionally and physically. He writes, “Tenderness is the ability to feel with and for the whole person.”7 Therefore, he encourages husbands and wives to educate each other about their masculinity and femininity. This intimate knowledge of one another and sensitivity to each other’s needs touches all aspects of a couple’s relationship, including their sexuality. It is out of tenderness that spouses learn about each other’s bodies and learn to pace each other’s rhythms of sexual arousal during intercourse.
Tenderness also helps spouses harmonize their differences in sex drives, which affects the frequency of sexual intercourse. Michele Weiner-Davis, the author of the book Divorce Busting, writes, “Though it is not always the case, it is very common for men to desire sex more often than their wives.” Through tenderness and open communication, spouses can learn to understand each other’s desires and needs and can avoid painful misunderstandings.
Robert and Rita Boeke write in their book Forever and a Day that couples learn to give each other signals to indicate their needs. They write about the myth of spontaneity in making love. From their experience in working with couples, they found that scheduling time for sex is better than trying to depend exclusively on moods and spontaneity. Planning allows both to prepare for this encounter with special acts of kindness, and it avoids the possibility of either spouse feeling rejected. A couple that we know told us that they communicate their need for sex using a candle: whoever feels the need for sex lights the candle, and the other understands. Les Parrott, PhD, and Leslie Parrott add in their book Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, “Some of the most satisfying sexual encounters between you and your spouse will often be the ones you plan and talk about.”
This excerpt from The Joined by Grace Couple’s Book is reprinted with permission of Ave Maria Press.
John Bosio is a former marriage and family therapist, director of religious education, and diocesan family life coordinator. He and his wife, Teri, wrote Joined by Grace, a marriage preparation program from Ave Maria Press.
