In marriage, loving as Jesus means being aware of each other’s needs and pains and helping one another carry our burdens. One of the early challenges couples experience in marriage is the feeling of drifting apart and the anguish that comes from it.
Dr. William Doherty writes that getting married is like launching a trip on the Mississippi River with a canoe. Unless the couple paddles to resist the currents, they will be carried downstream to places they did not intend to visit. Dr. Doherty writes in his book Take Back Your Marriage that after a few months or years of marriage, spouses tend to let their relationship shift into “automatic pilot,” and they drift apart.
John: What’s Wrong with Us?
The young lady sitting in my office looked distraught. Valerie and John had been married barely six months. They married dreaming of a blissful life together. Now, however, Valerie felt unloved. She explained, “John used to be very physically affectionate toward me. He would open doors for me. He would hold my hand when walking in the mall. He would give me backrubs when I had a headache. He would put his hand on my shoulder or on my back when we were in the company of his friends. He was very passionate during intercourse. Now he seems to have an aversion to touching me. He spends a lot of time at work, and when he is home, he watches TV, plays video games, or is tired. What is wrong with us?”
In the story above, Valerie and John are drifting apart. This drifting happens not because there is something wrong with the couple but because they are letting the pressures of daily life take over their marriage. Today, with the advent of new technologies, new distractions have arisen. Such things as Internet chat rooms, online games, social networks, text messaging, and e-mail can demand the time and attention that you promised each other.
Learn to Reconnect
All of the external demands for your attention represent the currents of the river that you will navigate together. To avoid drifting or to get back on track if you find yourselves growing apart, start paddling together again: remember what you are, and learn to reconnect.
When you feel the discomfort of being distant from each other or you sense that your marriage does not feel like home anymore, it’s time to take action. First of all, remember that because of your marriage you have a role in God’s love story. Turn to God in prayer for direction and courage. Pray for your spouse and practice your faith. Attend Mass every Sunday. Second, take action to reconnect. Make time for each other. Enjoy fun activities together. Resume the practice of going on regular dates. Make tending to each other’s needs your priority. Then your marriage will feel like your home again, the place where you want to be more than anywhere else.
What are some of the currents that you may encounter and that may cause you to drift?
How do you ensure that your relationship remains your priority? What are you willing to do?
The Need for Compassion
Patricia Love and Steven Stosny write that in about 80 percent of divorces spouses say that they grew apart. In their book How to Improve Your Marriage without Talking about It, they explain that these divorces could have been prevented if spouses had been aware of each other’s vulnerabilities and helped each other feel cared for and safe in each other’s company.3 Helping each other feel cared for and safe is compassion.
Pope Benedict XVI, in his book Jesus of Nazareth, reflects on the parable of the Good Samaritan (Lk 10:25–37). Benedict XVI explains that the Samaritan’s heart was open, and he allowed himself to be touched by the need he saw in the person who had been robbed and beaten. “He had compassion,” writes Benedict XVI. He explains that this parable is relevant to every human being because each one of us is in need of healing, and everyone is called to become a Good Samaritan.
A wife can be a Good Samaritan when she is compassionate toward her husband who feels stressed and upset. She shows love when she notices his discomfort and respects his space with silence instead of peppering him with questions. She offers support with sympathetic eye contact, a physical gesture, or a touch that says, “I understand. I am here.”
Likewise, a husband can be a Good Samaritan toward his wife who feels stressed, anxious, or insecure. He shows compassion for her by being present to her pain and by listening instead of suggesting what she should do to fix her problem. Love and Stosny write that it is important to recognize that men and women have different emotional needs, and what counts is not doing for one’s spouse what would meet one’s own need but doing what truly helps one’s spouse feel better and heal. This is an act of self-giving love. This is compassion. This is what contributes to your relationship becoming your home.
This excerpt from The Joined by Grace Couple’s Book is reprinted with permission of Ave Maria Press.
John Bosio is a former marriage and family therapist, director of religious education, and diocesan family life coordinator. He and his wife, Teri, wrote Joined by Grace, a marriage preparation program from Ave Maria Press.
