During the years of marriage it is easy for spouses to let their relationship shift into “automatic pilot” and to slowly drift apart, writes Bill Doherty, author of Take Back Your Marriage. As life goes on, spouses become preoccupied with the needs of their children and the demands of work. In the meantime, they gradually neglect each other and begin to feel more and more distant. This drifting happens not because there is something wrong with the relationship but because such is the natural flow of things in married life. To avoid drifting to the point of disconnecting, Doherty recommends that spouses shift out of automatic pilot and take control of their life. He stresses the importance of intentionally doing things that keep them in touch with each other. He recommends the use of rituals.
Marriage rituals are activities that husband and wife do together regularly. For example, a couple may make it their evening routine after the children go to bed to play cards, watch their favorite show, or read a book together. Some couples make it a habit to eat at least one meal together each day; others make Friday evening their date night. Such rituals remind spouses they that they have chosen a life in common and that this shared life is important to them.
One particular event in every couple’s life that is often celebrated with rituals is a wedding anniversary. Some couples are very creative with these celebrations. Barbara, a friend of ours, told us: “David and I take turns planning our anniversaries. One year when it was my turn, I gave David the impression that I could not think of anything special for us to do. I reminded him that we had had many expenses and we could not afford anything special. And that was all true. But I wanted to surprise him. So when the day came, I took the kids to a friend’s house, packed a suitcase for both of us, ordered a limousine, and had the driver take me to David’s work to pick him up. Just imagine the surprise on David’s face and his co-workers’ faces when they saw me standing next to the stretched white limousine,” said Barbara with great satisfaction. “After the shock wore off, I asked him to get in and the driver pulled away without saying where we were going. David was even more shocked when we drove up to the lobby of the Opryland Hotel and we were escorted to the presidential suite, the most expensive room in the whole hotel. I can still hear David asking me over and over ‘Can we afford this?’” And she concluded: “It truly was a great way to celebrate ‘us.’ We had a wonderful weekend together. Just the two of us.”
Commemorating your anniversaries and creating rituals for yourselves are intentional ways in which you nurture your relationship and strengthen your bond with each other. Such intentional acts of love have the power to pull the two of you together and to stop the natural drifting that all couples feel. Do make an effort to plan fun activities together. In fact, take a moment right now to think about what you and your spouse can enjoy doing together this week.
Question for Reflection: What do you and your spouse like to do together?
John Bosio is a former marriage and family therapist, director of religious education, and diocesan family life coordinator. He and his wife, Teri, wrote Joined by Grace, a marriage preparation program from Ave Maria Press.
