In this first session of the Conflict and Communication eRetreat you will come to understand your personal conflict style and how it relates to partner’s style. Pray together, then read the background to understanding your conflict style. Make sure you complete the reflection questions on your own and then discuss them together as a couple.
I. Praying Together
Take a few minutes to pray together the “St. Patrick’s Breastplate Prayer for Married Couples.”
II. Understanding Your Conflict Style
When interviewing for a job as an office manager, a prospective candidate for the job was asked how she felt about conflict between office workers.
She responded emphatically: “I hate conflict!”
Her response to the question could easily sum up many people’s response to conflict. We simply don’t like dealing with conflictual situations because conflict often creates a “win-lose” situation.
One person wins, and the other loses: feelings can be hurt, and power can be used to “put people in their place.”
Even if we think we are the ones who will “win,” it can be uncomfortable.
It is especially important to think carefully about conflict in our closest relationships.
In these relationships we are able to speak more freely, which can create greater intimacy and personal growth. At the same time, when we are so close to one another, it can be easier to speak in ways that are careless, disrespectful, or even demeaning.
III. Action Step: Understand Your Conflict Style
Click to Download the Worksheet: "Getting in Touch with Your Conflict Style"
(Download and print the exercise below: PDF version / Microsoft Word version)
Take some time to respond to the following statements and questions. They are designed to assist you in understanding your and your fiancé’s approach to conflict.
Getting to Know Your Conflict Style
When there is conflict between us, my fiancé’s tendency is to (check all that apply)
- avoid the whole issue
- become quiet and withdrawn
- become angry
- become aggressive
- try to soothe things
- overcriticize
- respond with humor
- become defensive
- give advice
- get cynical
- respond with sarcasm
- blame me or others
- raise his or her voice or yell
- try to listen
- other: (Please describe.)
- avoid the whole issue
- become quiet and withdrawn
- become angry
- become aggressive
- try to soothe things
- overcriticize
- respond with humor
- become defensive
- give advice
- get cynical
- respond with sarcasm
- blame me or others
- raise his or her voice or yell
- try to listen
- other: (Please describe.)
Reflecting Together
- What aspects of your partner’s way of handling conflict do you find helpful? In other words, what does he or she do or say that helps in the resolution of conflict?
- Is there anything about your partner’s way of handling conflict that you do not find helpful in resolving conflict between the two of you?
- Describe how your own parents resolved conflict in your family. Utilize the checklist provided above.
- What positive messages and behaviors did you learn from your parents about dealing with disagreements and conflict?
All content, activities, and reflection questions are taken from the Marriage Preparation book, Before “I Do”, published by Ave Maria Press. For more information about this and other marriage resources, visit www.avemariapress.com.
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This eRetreat session is a part of the “Conflict and Communication” eRetreat series at Together for Life Online. It is completely free. Sign-up here if you are interested in experiencing it for yourself.