What is more difficult, falling in love or staying in love? I’ve had this question posed to me a few times. The soul awakens when one falls in love. My soul awoke when I fell in love with my wife. Falling in love was easy. Sure, I had some fears and doubts, but as soon as I let go of those, I fell hard.
My soul awoke too when I gave my life to Jesus. I sur- rendered. I had questions, doubts, and fears, but once I let go of those, my heart fell in love and broke open. My out- look changed overnight, but changes in my behavior and attitudes took time. I’m still on the journey of healing, growth, and conversion. Love requires more of us than falling. It’s the day-to-day process of loving that develops holy grit within us.
We all know the feeling when the romance wears off and disillusionment sets in. The reality is that loving takes work. I remember the day I woke up not long after our wedding and thought, This is a lot harder than I realized. I had to choose to be married that day, choose to love. I remember, also, when my initial conversion wore off, and my old ways, old temptations, began to lure me back in. I began to think, Loving God is hard. That day, I had to choose to love. I remember when my children were born, being so in love with the little bundles in my arms; then later, waking up in the middle of the night to change a diaper or clean up puke, thinking, I don’t want to do this right now. Or when they got older and I’d be up after mid-night, worried until they came home safely. I had to choose to love. We’ve all been there.
Choosing to love is difficult. It takes grit and effort. Love is ultimately not a feeling, although there are times when we “feel” in love. But many days, love is a choice, it’s a decision to put another person first, to sacrifice. Choosing, deciding, sacrificing—these all go together.
I’m certain that the day St. Maximilian took the place of another man in that starvation bunker he didn’t “feel” like doing it. I’m certain he didn’t have the joy or excitement he probably experienced on the day he was ordained to the priesthood. I’m certain that his mind and heart didn’t feeling passionate about the thought of starving to death. No, what went through his mind and heart was a decision to love and sacrifice for the sake of something greater—a man’s life and his family.
Our souls remain awake when we stay in love. And God wants our souls to remain alert and alive. Jesus speaks of this when he says, “I am the true vine” (Jn 15:1). He goes on, “Remain in me, as I remain in you. Just as a branch cannot bear fruit on its own unless it remains on the vine, so neither can you unless you remain in me. I am the vine, you are the branches” (Jn 15:4–5). He asks us to remain, to abide, in him. This is love.
Jesus is not just giving us a suggestion or good advice. Jesus is giving us truth, facts, and a road map to follow. Some versions of scripture interchange the words “abide” and “remain,” calling us to stay connected, to not break away from the vine. Abide and remain.
Jesus continues, “Without me you can do nothing” (v. 5). This is God telling us how to live abundantly. This is what we all want, to be fully alive, right? Abiding. Remaining. Don’t we all desire to stay in love? This might be the greatest accomplishment of our life. If someone were to say a few words about you at a memorial service, which statement would have more impact: “He fell in love” or “He stayed in love his whole life”? No one is remembered for falling in love; they are remembered for staying in love. The act of loving each day is our mission, our purpose. It’s what Jesus calls us to do; even more, what we are commanded to do, commissioned to do. We are all called to be like St. Maximilian Kolbe.
What does it look like for men to fall in love and stay in love with Jesus? How can a man pursue God with his whole heart and his whole life? In Maximilian’s case, he chose to stand in the place of a young father, giving up his life out of love for Christ. Jesus said, “No one has greater love than this, to lay down one’s life for one’s friends” (Jn 15:13).
Kolbe always wanted to be a soldier. He was gritty. He desired to fight, to defend the weak and protect his sovereign country. God had other plans, calling Kolbe to be a spiritual warrior, a priest with grit. And in one of his greatest moments, he did what any soldier would do, give his life for another—just as Jesus did. Sacrificial love is what makes us great, holy, gritty. Men are made for this kind of love! This is where the rubber meets the road, where we gain traction, make an impact, find our purpose, and catch our wind!
When I have sacrificed for someone else, I have not looked back or felt empty. My heart remained full when I loved as Jesus loved. I never have regrets when I serve or give. When I love sacrificially, my heart is full. That’s because I’m living the way God created me to live!
Yet the opposite is true too. When I’m selfish, when I’m living for me, things go south fast. Fog sets in. Life becomes cloudy. Disillusionment takes over, and I begin to see my wife, my kids, the Church, others, even God, differently. I start to backslide, and my eyes and heart begin to say that maybe something else will suffice. Nah! Not true!
St. Maximilian Kolbe once said, “The Cross is the school of love.” If we want to learn how to be men of holy grit, we must look to the Cross, the altar of sacrifice where Jesus gave his life for his friends (you and me). St. Maximilian lived this out in his vocation. Was he perfect? No. But he was faithful to Christ, and from the heart the mouth speaks, actions come to fruition. When it came time for Kolbe to act like Jesus, he did just that. And we are still talking about him today, the simple man who took the place of another.
I have a friend who as an adult changed his name to Max, after St. Maximilian. Crazy, I know. It’s a long story, but at one point during a rough time in his journey, he began to feel connected to St. Maximilian. He told me that Kolbe was instrumental to his deeper conversion, that Kolbe was “fearless and faithful. . . . despite suffering through incredible darkness, he was a reflection of God’s light, and led with a life of wild abandon—as Mother Teresa puts it, ‘an absolute, unconditional and unwavering confidence in God our loving Father, even when everything seems to be a total failure.’”
I pressed him to tell me more about how St. Maximilian Kolbe gave him the hope to move forward. He replied, “I have suffered through some very dark times (unfortunately still do), but St. Maximilian Kolbe’s example gives me strength to remain faithful, and his intercession brings me God’s grace to battle fear. And more and more I am turning fear to faith and confidence. Even when everything seems a total failure, I find joy. In the present moments, at home and at work, I have the courage to stop doubting and being discouraged, but instead to walk in that freedom, with wild abandon.”
“Wild abandon” describes St. Maximilian’s life. Those two words sound a little odd, but think about it. A man of grit is a wild man, a courageous man. A man of holiness is an abandoned man, a man who is all in—in love. Kolbe was courageously all in. He was connected to the Vine, Jesus! He remained and abided till the end.
This excerpt from Holy Grit: A Saintly Guide to Becoming a Man of Virtue is reprinted with permission of Ave Maria Press.
Paul George is a Catholic speaker, teacher, and author of several books, including Holy Grit and Rethink Happiness. He is the cofounder of Adore Ministries and served as its president for eight years. He has more than twenty-five years of ministry experience on the parish, diocesan, and national levels.
