Several years ago my wife Teri and I helped lead a marriage preparation weekend. During one of the sessions the engaged couples were asked to imagine their life together and to draw on a poster board their dreams for the future. Most couples sketched images of big homes, shiny cars, cute children, and successful careers. The poster that caught our attention was that of a young Vietnamese pair who could barely speak English. At the center of their artwork they had placed a large red heart. All around it and on a very small scale they depicted their hopes and dreams. They explained: “What we want to have in 10 and 15 years from now is the happiness we feel today, when we are together.”
What all spouses are looking for in marriage is happiness. They dream of a joy that comes from being each other’s faithful companions and best of friends, each other’s helpers, lovers, and mates. Isn’t this what you desire?
Your yearnings for contentment and joy in the company of your spouse are not a pipe dream.Your hopes and dreams for happiness are real. They are the hunger that every human being feels. They are the longings for something that humanity once had and then lost. St. John Paul II tells us that inscribed in our human heart is a distant echo of the original innocence. What you want to find in marriage is a taste, although imperfect, of the joy and the intimacy that our fore-parents, Adam and Eve, felt in each other’s company and in God’s presence in the Garden of Eden on the day of creation. The Bible tells us that they were happy together because they were a gift to each other.
We know intuitively that marriage brings happiness, but many of us are confused about what marital happiness is. Too often we think that happiness in marriage comes from marrying someone attractive, powerful, or rich. We also think that marital happiness is measured by never-ending feelings of bliss, romance, and passion. We equate such happiness with a life without problems, conflict, and frustrations. All of these are gross misperceptions.
Marital happiness is the result of your willingness to be a gift to each other, as Adam and Eve were at the dawn of humanity. Giving of yourself, although difficult to do, is the essence of true love, and love is the source of your joy, as St. John Paul II reminds us.
In 2011 researchers at the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia published a report called: “Give and You Shall Receive?” The report concludes that the generosity of the spouses is positively associated with marital satisfaction. The study defined generosity as small acts of kindness, regular displays of affection and respect, and a willingness to forgive. To the extent that you love your spouse with the self-giving love that Jesus taught us, you will experience a joyful contentment that is truly the distant echo of the happiness experienced by Adam and Eve in their original innocence.
Question for Reflection: When are you most happy in your marital relationship?
John Bosio is a former marriage and family therapist, director of religious education, and diocesan family life coordinator. He coauthored, with his wife, Teri, Joined by Grace: A Catholic Prayer Book for Engaged and Newly Married Couples, as well as Ave Maria Press’s marriage preparation program, Joined by Grace.
