The commitment to be present touches all aspects of the marital relationship. It is reflected in a special way in the honesty and trust spouses need to have with each other in their day-to-day interactions. One of the most tangible expressions of mutual trust and commitment is visible in a couple’s way of managing their money. Their ability to communicate openly about finances and to harmonize their buying and spending styles is critical to a couple’s development of healthy financial habits. This ability strengthens the relationship. Therefore, we will address here not only money management but also communication skills and the importance of remembering that no matter what we do we are always in God’s presence.
Teri: Making a Budget
Before John and I were married, we discussed how we would manage our money, and we agreed that we would have only one checking account. For us, having a common account represented our intent to share everything. We would use this account to pay all of our expenses for the month. We transferred all of our money into joint checking and savings accounts. We agreed that John would keep the checkbook and pay the bills. In my family, my father paid the bills, so this felt familiar.
We were not married long before we ran into a problem. My love of shopping did not change after we were married, and John, who was tracking our expenses in the checkbook, started questioning everything I bought. He would ask, “Was this really necessary? Why didn’t you ask me before buying that?” These inquiries created a lot of friction.
The situation got worse when I lost my job. I was home during the day and had more time to shop. This caused a lot of tension between us, and we decided to have a serious talk. John explained that he did not understand why I bought the same brands as my mother, and he pointed out that we were spending more than we were making. I had not realized that. I understood that we were not making as much money, especially since I was not working, and I assured John that I would get a job soon. Feeling a need to defend myself, I said, “But you are cheap! If it were up to you, we would never buy anything, or we would shop at a discount store all the time.”
It was a long and emotional conversation. We agreed that we had a problem, and to address it we needed a budget. To my surprise John suggested that I keep the checkbook and pay the bills, since I was making most of the purchases. I agreed and enjoyed knowing where we stood financially. Having a budget and reviewing it together regularly has been very helpful to us throughout the years. Although this experience was painful, it was a turning point that helped us grow, and it defines our financial habits to this day.
How will you manage your money: joint accounts or individual accounts?
Do you have debts? Is your fiancé aware of them?
Have you decided how you will repay your debts?
Will you have a family budget?
How much can you or your spouse spend without telling or consulting with the other? Communication Tools
Managing Your Money
Dave Ramsey, a nationally known financial advisor, offers tips to couples preparing for marriage in “Newlyweds: What Do We Need To Know About Money?” He writes, “Getting on the same page creates a strong foundation for a healthy, lifetime marriage.” He tells couples:
- Put it all on the table. Transparency is essential. Let each other know what your current individual financial situation is, including how much debt you still have and your views regarding money.
- Marry your accounts. Combine your money into a joint account. Using a shared account brings honesty and unity. It gives you a sense that “we’re in this together!”
- Start budgeting together. Pool your income and expenses, and create a family budget that you can revisit from time to time.
- Make a plan. Set goals together and take baby steps to reach them.9
Expressing Yourself Clearly
To effectively build your relationship, including managing your finances, it is important that you learn to communicate clearly with each other. Below are some tips we have learned from various experts over the years.
- Never assume that your spouse knows what you are thinking and feeling.
- Before speaking, take time to choose the words you will say so that your spouse can hear your message without feeling defensive.
- When you expect that your message will be difficult for your spouse to receive or to hear, say a prayer to the Holy Spirit for guidance to use the right words and the right tone of voice.
- When you speak, use statements that begin with “I,” such as “I see,” “I think,” “I feel,” and so on. When you begin a sentence with “I,” you own the message, and it is clear that you express only your point of view. For example: “I feel hurt” is less threatening than “You upset me!”
- If you are feeling overwhelmed with emotions, wait until you are calm before trying to communicate your thoughts or feelings to your spouse.
Pope Francis advises, “In our families, we must learn to imitate Jesus’ own gentleness in our way of speaking to one another” (The Joy of Love, 100).
Prayer Tools
Remembering That God Is Always Present
Regardless of what you do when you are married—whether you shop or manage your checking account, or if you disagree on a purchase you or your spouse wants to make—it is important that you remember that you are always in God’s presence and the Holy Spirit you received in Confirmation is ready to help you. Praying helps us remember that God is present. In your prayers, remember to pray specifically for your spouse, especially when you are upset with each other. That is the perfect time to ask God’s help for your relationship.
Developing Prayer Habits
Make it a habit to remember God in the morning upon waking up. Thank God for the new day. If you are anxious, ask for his help to get through the day. A simple traditional Catholic prayer of praise to God is the “Glory Be.”
Glory be to the Father, and to the Son,
and to the Holy Spirit,
as it was in the beginning, is now,
and ever shall be, world without end.
Amen.
Takeaways and Next Steps
The commitment to be there for each other, to encourage and support each other, and to be always faithful is the second attribute in the blueprint of love for building your marriage. The Bible tells us about God’s enduring commitment to his people, Israel, and his constant presence among them. Today God is personally present to us through the gift of the Holy Spirit in Confirmation, which gives us certain gifts to strengthen our life. In marriage, husband and wife bind themselves to each other, and the Holy Spirit seals their promise. They commit to be always faithful to one another and to be attentive to each other’s needs, regardless of what happens. Be present to each other as Jesus is present to you!
Like the attitudes of welcome and acceptance, the commitment to be present is an attitude that needs to be practiced every day. It is expressed and deepened through the words and actions wives and husbands use to relate to each other day in and day out.
This excerpt from The Joined by Grace Couple’s Book is reprinted with permission of Ave Maria Press.
John Bosio is a former marriage and family therapist, director of religious education, and diocesan family life coordinator. He and his wife, Teri, wrote Joined by Grace, a marriage preparation program from Ave Maria Press.
