The road to mutual welcome and acceptance requires spouses to do a great deal of listening and to engage in honest, self-giving conversation with each other and with God.
Listening with an Open Mind
Spouses often give one another advice that is helpful. At times, though, the advice is unsolicited and can create barriers, conflict, and even hostility. Marriage experts tell us that too often this advice is seen as nagging or bossy and therefore too frequently is simply dismissed, despite the fact that there is considerable advantage to listening to one’s spouse with an open mind and at least considering, if not always accepting, his or her advice.
Teri: The Door
John and I were married two and a half years and had a ten month- old daughter. We were living in our first home and decided to install a storm door for our front entrance. We went to the store, bought one, and that same afternoon began to install it. I sat on the floor by the door in the living room with our toddler while John unpacked the box on the porch. I grabbed the directions from the box and said, “Wait, before you start, let’s read the directions.” I started reading them because that’s what my father had taught us. “What directions?” John replied. “This is a simple door. Four
screws and the door will be up in no time. Let me do it my way. I know what I’m doing. You will see how easy it is.” Shortly after he was done he said, “See? It’s done. It was no big deal. I told you!”
“I’m glad,” I replied. In the meantime, he tried to open the door. The door wouldn’t open. He started pulling harder and harder, but the door would not budge.
Inside the house with our daughter, I noticed that he was outside struggling with the door and asked, “What’s the matter?” “I don’t know. It’s not opening,” he said. (To be continued . . .)
Here are some helpful hints for listening effectively:
• Listen with the right attitude. Say to yourself, “I want to listen, so I will make time for this.”
• If you do not have the time or are unable to give undivided attention at the moment when your spouse wants to talk, just say so. Then together decide on a time when you can both be attentive and talk things through.
• When you are ready to listen, stop whatever you are doing to pay attention.
• Listen without interrupting, even if you think your spouse is wrong.
• Listen to understand, do not jump to conclusions, give your spouse the benefit of the doubt, and pay attention.
• Ask for clarification when you need it, and listen to the reply.
• After your spouse has spoken, let him or her know that you understand by repeating back in your own words what you think your spouse means.
• Ask for confirmation that what you understand is indeed what your spouse means.
Note: You are not listening if you are mentally preparing your response while your spouse is still speaking.
When you were growing up, how well did your parents listen to each other and to you? What memories do you have of your parents in conversation with each other? What did you learn from your family of origin about listening?
Prayer Tool
Praying for Mutual Acceptance
Make it a habit to pray for your future spouse, for yourself, and for your relationship. Pray that you can be patient and accepting of each other. Pray that the two of you can meld your lives into one, find joy in each other’s company, and remain grateful for the gifts that you are to one another. When you find it difficult to accept certain traits and personal habits of your fiancé, let him or her know, and pray to God for patience and understanding.
Known as “The Serenity Prayer,” these simple words might be just what you need:
Lord,
grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Amen.
When do you pray? How do you pray? Are you comfortable praying together with your spouse? Why or why not?
This excerpt from The Joined by Grace Couple’s Book is reprinted with permission of Ave Maria Press.
John Bosio is a former marriage and family therapist, director of religious education, and diocesan family life coordinator. He and his wife, Teri, wrote Joined by Grace, a marriage preparation program from Ave Maria Press.
