Married life is full of conflicts. The tools we explore here are twofold: the communication skills needed for resolving conflicts and the power of prayer to help us grow in mutual respect and overcome our natural tendency to self-centeredness.
Teri: War and Peace
One summer, while sailing on a local lake, I saw a boat with a name that caught my attention: War & Peace. Someone told me that the boat belonged to an older couple, members of our parish. Weeks later when I saw them at a parish function, I said to them, “There must be a story behind the name of your boat.” Doris and Ken are a delightful pair. They looked at each other with a smile, and then Doris explained that early in their marriage they were looking for a way to spend fun time together. “We discovered that we both loved being on the water and enjoyed sailing. So we purchased a small sailboat. We used it a lot, and we had great fun with it. Later on, as we became more confident in ourselves as a sailing team, we upgraded the size of our boat and thought that we could compete in some of the local races.” Doris paused and changed her tone of voice. Looking at Ken, she said, “That was a mistake.” They both smiled, and Doris continued: “As we started competing, we found ourselves arguing and getting upset with each other. We each had different ideas of what needed to be done. We were not a team. It was at that point that in jest we named our boat War & Peace.” Doris concluded: “I stopped racing. It was too damaging to our relationship. But we still sail together, just for fun, and we have a great time.”
To love our spouse like Jesus does not mean that, when a conflict arises, you will give in so as to keep peace at any cost. No. That is not what Jesus did. Conflicts are part of life. To grow as a couple, both of you will need to remain engaged in resolving the differences you encounter. Approach your disagreements with mutual respect, seeking first to understand each other and then exploring ways to resolve the conflict creatively. Sometimes self-giving requires you to stand up for what you believe is right, even if it creates a temporary discomfort in the relationship. Below are some tools.
Communication Tool
Resolving Conflicts
In researching couples’ behaviors, Dr. John Gottman concluded that conflicts are unavoidable in marriage and that all marital conflicts fall into two categories: either they can be resolved or they cannot. He reports that 69 percent of the conflicts are irresolvable and will be recurring throughout a couple’s marriage in one form or another.
In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman encourages couples to learn to tolerate their irresolvable differences with a good attitude. On the other hand, if problems are solvable, Gottman suggests working on them, even if it requires some effort. He suggests five steps in dealing with conflicts.
- Soft Start-Up
Open the conversation with a “soft start-up.” A “soft start-up” is an invitation to talk about a touchy subject in a way that is not likely to be perceived as an attack. He recommends that you start with statements that begin with “I” instead of “You.” For example, you might say, “I almost hit my head on the cabinet door, again. Can you please remember to close it?” This is a softer and gentler start-up than saying, “You never close the cabinet door,” or, “Why do you always leave the cabinet door open?” The last two are harsh, and they are likely to invite a defensive response and may not resolve the problem.
- Repair Attempt
When your conversation starts off on the wrong foot and you find yourself in a defensive battle of words, try what Gottman calls a “repair attempt.” This is a statement that tells your spouse that you do not like what is happening and you wish to change the tone of your conversation. You may say, “I feel attacked, and I don’t like it. Can we take a break?” Or, “I am sorry. I did not mean to dismiss your feelings. Can we start over again?”
- Take a Break
If your exchanges become heated and you find yourself overwhelmed with emotions and unable to think rationally, tell your spouse that you need to take a break to calm yourself down. Gottman suggests that twenty minutes is a good time to allow each of you to soothe yourselves. Then resume your conversation.
- Find a Compromise
Ultimately, most solutions to a problem require a compromise. This means agreeing that one of you will accept the preferences of the other. This is not about one feeling slighted and unimportant. Gottman writes, “Conflict resolution is not about one person changing, it’s about negotiating, finding common ground and ways that you can accommodate each other.” Compromise does not come from an attitude of self-defeat; it comes from an attitude of collaboration.
- Be Tolerant of Each Other’s Faults
Gottman writes, “Until you accept your partner’s flaws and foibles, you will not be able to compromise successfully.”
This excerpt from The Joined by Grace Couple’s Book is reprinted with permission of Ave Maria Press.
John Bosio is a former marriage and family therapist, director of religious education, and diocesan family life coordinator. He and his wife, Teri, wrote Joined by Grace, a marriage preparation program from Ave Maria Press.
