7. Did We Mention Prayer?
Finally, have we mentioned the importance of praying both individually and as a couple before, during, and after an argument? We have? Good. Let’s mention it one more time then. We’re being a little facetious here to make the point that marriage truly is hard work, and there will be times that the only way you find the strength to go back in there one more time and try to work things out is because God won’t stop bugging you to do it. You can ignore God and your spouse and your problems, but you do so at your peril. Please, for your sake, take time to pray before you sit down to discuss a serious issue. Say something such as, “God, please help us to be open to hearing each other’s concerns and even more open to your will. Hail Mary . . .” Then, when things start to heat up, pray again. Ask your spouse to pray with you. A good start might be, “Lord, this is really hard. We’re sorry we’re being so irritable and angry. Please help us get this back on track. Show us what you want us to do to solve this.” If your spouse won’t pray with you, then say the same prayer yourself when you employ the “take a break” technique we identified above. Finally, after the argument, pray again. For instance, say, “God, thank you for helping us through this. It was really hard, but help us to learn from this. Help us to follow through with what we need to do next, and help us to heal any hurts we’ve caused each other. Thank you for your mercy and love. Help us to be more merciful and loving to each other every day.” Remember, the couple that prays together, stays together. Be that couple.
8. Finish the Discussion
This ought to go without saying, but we find it still needs to be said. If you finish an argument but you haven’t identified any concrete action steps for what you need to do next to prevent similar problems from occurring in the future, then you haven’t finished the discussion! Most people really think that if they have vented their spleen, their job is done. Arguing is not about venting. That should be done on your own, or with God, or if you do it with your spouse, then do it with the understanding that you know that everything you are about to say is absolutely insane—but you just need to talk it out, and your spouse shouldn’t take any of it personally, because it’s just your feelings, and they’re all a little nuts, and you get that. Problem solving begins after the venting is over. Make sure that you have identified action items, who is going to do what, and when exactly it’s going to be done by. Otherwise, you haven’t accomplished anything by your discussion, and you are going to be revisiting all this garbage sometime very soon. Save yourself the headache. Take an extra twenty minutes and make a plan. We hope that the habits and suggestions we’ve made throughout this chapter will help give you the boost you need to get over the hurdles of the Conflict and Negotiation Stage. If you feel a little overwhelmed, that’s okay. Take some time to let the information settle, and then read this chapter again, preferably with your spouse, and identify a handful of healthy problem solving habits you would like to cultivate in your marriage. Learning good problem-solving skills can be like learning the steps of a new dance. It can seem a little artificial and even forced at first. But the more you practice, the more graceful and second nature those new steps become. Your willingness to learn and apply new, more effective communication habits in the first few years of your marriage is what will help you respectfully negotiate your differences and help get you one step closer to becoming marriage masters as you build your lives and future together.
This excerpt from Just Married The Catholic Guide to Surviving and Thriving in the First Five years of Marriage is reprinted with permission of Ave Maria Press.
