Every couple wants their marriage to last a lifetime. Researchers tell us that the presence of an irrevocable commitment contributes to the happiness of the spouses. Linda Waite, a sociologist at the University of Chicago, and Maggie Gallagher, former chair of the National Organization for Marriage, reported on their research in The Case for Marriage. They found that “having a partner who is committed for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, makes people happier and healthier.”
But married life can be difficult, and today many couples find it hard to keep their promises. Many young people have grown up experiencing the pains of divorce in their homes. While wanting to marry, they find it hard to believe that marriages can last a lifetime and are afraid to commit. If you are one of them, take courage. One of the benefits of a marriage founded on faith is the power of God’s grace, which helps spouses find strength and joy in their relationship. Remember, the power of the Holy Spirit is always with you to give you strength and courage when you encounter obstacles.
Marriage experts have repeatedly concluded that couples who practice their faith are happier and less likely to divorce. Couples of faith are successful not because they have fewer problems than anyone else. Rather, they meet the typical challenges of married life successfully because they do not travel their journey alone. “Christ dwells with [the spouses], gives them the strength to take up their crosses and so follow him, to rise again after they have fallen, to forgive one another, to bear one another’s burdens” (CCC, 1642).
Were your parents divorced? If so, how old were you when this happened?
How does your parents’ relationship influence your expectations about marriage?
Are you ready to make a lifelong commitment to your fiancé? Does this commitment worry you? If so, in what ways?
Where do you see Christ present in your life, through the power of the Holy Spirit, as a source of strength and courage to you?
Common Obstacles to Being Fully Present
You will encounter many distractions in your married life that might tempt you to put your spouse second, which can weaken your relationship and even derail it. Consider which distractions in your own life might create a rift in your relationship as you read the following material.
One Evening at the Bar
Most days, after work, Bill and his friends stopped by the local bar for a drink before going home. One evening the group was sitting at a small table, and after several drinks Bill felt a strange sensation moving up his leg. Someone was rubbing a leg against his as if massaging it. He was surprised. He looked across the table and saw Jenny. As their eyes met, she smiled and winked at him. He smiled back and then looked away and moved his leg, trying to ignore the incident. Jenny was a pretty lady, younger than him. They worked in the same office and had collaborated on several projects together. Bill felt attracted to her but ignored the feelings because he was married. That evening he went home and tried to forget the incident. But every time he saw her at work he would notice her smile. At times he would even imagine what might have happened that evening had he responded to her.
Months passed. One evening, at the same bar, Bill happened to be sitting next to Jenny in a very tight booth. They had several drinks, and everyone was telling jokes and talking about sports. At one point the group started singing. Jenny, who was sitting next to Bill, leaned toward him and reached for his hand and began caressing it. Bill was surprised, and for a few moments he did not know what to do. (To be continued . . .)
Take a moment to reflect on this situation and answer these questions:
What do you think happened next?
What would you have done or said if you had been in Bill’s place?
Sliding Boundaries
Author Shirley Glass, a psychologist and a leading expert on infidelity, writes in her book NOT “Just Friends” that today we have a crisis of infidelity. The infidelity she writes about occurs between people who call themselves “just friends.” Friendships at work or online can start as well-intended relationships but can slowly slide into romantic infatuations that hurt the marriage. Glass reports that affairs happen even in good marriages. She adds that most affairs today have less to do with love and more to do with relationships sliding across boundaries. This is exactly what Bill sensed could happen in his relationship with Jenny. Glass encourages spouses to check their boundaries by asking themselves questions such as these:
- Do I confide more to my friend than to my spouse about how my day went?
- Do I discuss negative feelings about my marriage with my friend and not with my spouse?
- Do I hide my involvement with a particular friend from my spouse?
- Would I feel uncomfortable if my spouse heard my conversations with my friends?5
Affirmative answers to any of these questions are red flags of danger for your relationship. They should alert you to sliding boundaries. They should warn you that what you are trying to satisfy outside of your marriage is something that you need from your spouse.
How will you handle relationships with current friends of the opposite sex?
After you are married will you continue to have close friendships at work and will you attend after-work social activities?
What are the boundaries in your relationships with your friends? What is safe and what is not?
Social Networks
John: Facebook Friends
One evening while checking my Facebook account to keep up with news from family and friends, I noticed a message from a person whose name looked familiar. I read the message and recognized that it was from a girl I knew years ago, before I met Teri. She was reconnecting and telling me that she was married and had children and where she lived. The message was informative and indicated an interest in knowing where I was and what I was doing. I pondered for a few moments whether I should respond. I also wondered what Teri would think about this contact from a past friend. Should I tell her? Should I accept her friend request without telling Teri? I decided that I owed it to Teri to tell her and to ask her how she thought I should respond.
Social networks open the doors of our homes to family and friends from all over the country and from around the world. Friends and loved ones come in and visit, and they let us peek into their lives. Much good comes from these tools. Unfortunately, when we leave the door of our home wide open, we can inadvertently let in undesirable intruders or share intimacies that should not be shared outside of marriage. In a 2010 survey among its members, the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers found that 80 percent of divorce lawyers noticed an increase in the number of cases where social media is used as evidence of cheating. Marriage-and-family therapists are encountering more and more couples that report indiscretions though the use of social media. To avoid such problems, they encourage mutual accountability and openness, such as the sharing of passwords or having joint accounts.
How do you and your fiancé handle old boyfriends, girlfriends, or other friends from your pasts that contact you through social media, phone, or e-mail?
Do you plan to give each other access to your e-mail and social media accounts?
Pornography
Researchers in psychology and sociology report that pornography is becoming a national epidemic and poses a serious threat to marriages and families. Pornography is more than a distraction to being present to a spouse; it is a major obstacle to growth in the relationship. In 2010 the Witherspoon Institute of Princeton published a report that examined the social cost of pornography. The report states that since the beginning of the Internet, pornography has been consumed in ever-greater quantities. Social scientists agree that pornography can be psychologically addictive and can negatively affect the quality of interpersonal relationships and a couple’s sexual health.
Pornography plays a role in many divorces. A Psychology Today article reports that in 2004 Dr. Jill Manning testified before the United States Senate that of the divorces she had studied, 56 percent were cases in which one spouse had an obsessive interest in pornography.6
Divorce attorneys agree. In 2002 the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers polled 350 of its members on this subject. Two-thirds of those polled reported that the Internet played an important role in the divorces they worked on, and in more than half of those cases porn played a significant part.7
The Catholic Church also understands the moral damage that pornography inflicts and how destructive it is to the marital relationship. The Catechism teaches us that pornography “offends against chastity because it perverts the conjugal act, the intimate giving of spouses to each other” (CCC, 2354). St. John Paul II expressed his concerns in his Theology of the Body and in his book Love and Responsibility. Marital intercourse cannot be a means to use each other as objects for pleasure. It is a gift: a giving and receiving between persons.
In their 2015 pastoral letter, “Create in Me a Clean Heart,” the US Catholic Bishops wrote that pornography presents and promotes a distorted view of human sexuality. In pornography the person portrayed is treated merely as a means of pleasure. They explain, “Using or creating pornography within marriage is always wrong and can never be justified. . . . Pornography use within marriage severely damages the spouses’ trust and intimacy.”8 The bishops cite various studies, which suggest that spouses who use pornography are more likely to have extra-marital affairs; the use of pornography decreases sexual satisfaction and interest in sex and can lead to impotence in men. The use of pornography can lead to an addiction, which can lead to further erosion of marital intimacy and trust.
What has been your attitude about pornography?
What is this chapter saying about the moral, psychological, and spiritual damage that pornography does to the person using it?
What will you do to keep pornography out of your marriage?
This excerpt from The Joined by Grace Couple’s Book is reprinted with permission of Ave Maria Press.
John Bosio is a former marriage and family therapist, director of religious education, and diocesan family life coordinator. He and his wife, Teri, wrote Joined by Grace, a marriage preparation program from Ave Maria Press.
