Marriages succeed only if spouses are willing to regularly accommodate each other.
Accommodating each other’s likes and dislikes was for Teri and me the most challenging adjustment in the first years of our marriage. Differences are often what attract us, but once we start the marital journey together these differences can became bones of contention.
When Teri and I got married we brought together cultures as diverse as anyone could imagine. I am an Italian, born in a small town of northern Italy and Teri is a French/Irish American whose family roots are from Louisiana. I am the son of a farmer who became a factory worker to make a living. Teri is the daughter of a well-respected corporate leader. I came to this country alone with $1,000 in my pocket. Teri, on the other hand, was used to the comfort of a large and well-established family. In the early months of our marriage we came face to face with the conflicts created by our backgrounds and family histories. To survive we had to learn the art of accommodating each other.
One evening I came home from work and was greeted by Teri with great enthusiasm. She said: “I made beans and rice for dinner.” She explained that it was a favorite dish from her Southern heritage. We sat at the table and she proceeded to serve a plate full of rice and topped it with dark beans. Then as we finished saying the blessing, I looked at my plate and asked: “Where is the meat?”
“There is no meat” Teri replied. “This is how we make it.”
“This is it?” I said a little perturbed. “What kind of dinner is this? Beans and Rice? Who eats like this? Are we poor?”
Teri was very hurt. Beans and rice was one of her childhood favorites. I had ridiculed it. I had not appreciated her effort and her desire to share with me a favorite dish. I soon learned that there were things such as foods and traditions that were important to Teri, and although they were insignificant to me, I needed to respect and learn to appreciate them. In turn, when we visited my family in Italy, Teri asked my step-mother and my sister to teach her how to cook our traditional Italian dishes.
A similar clash took place around the Christmas traditions. The tree was an important part of Christmas for Teri. To me it was insignificant and a total waste of money: the real symbol of Christmas was the nativity scene, the “Presepio” as we call it in Italy. Our first Christmas came only one month after our wedding. In early December Teri started shopping for what would be “our Christmas tree.” I reluctantly went along to please her but I complained that the trees were all too expensive and I expressed my disapproval in buying a dead tree just to dress it up with ornaments, keep it a few weeks, and then throw it away. That first year we ended up buying the cheapest and scrawniest-looking tree available. It was a compromise. In spite of its physical limitations, Teri turned the tree it into a splendor of lights and decorations. It took me four years to finally accept that our home would have a tree every Christmas. We adjusted to our differences by each making accommodations. We compromised. We bought an artificial Christmas tree that was reusable year after year. We also bought a nativity set.
During the forty-four years that we have been married, we have learned that making accommodations for each other is an art and it is also a gift. Living in the same house requires making compromises. These can be made while grumbling or with a smile. Choose the smile! Accommodating your spouse is a sacrifice, but it is most of all an expression of your love and it is an essential skill you need to develop if you want to be happy in your marriage. As followers of Christ we are blessed with God’s graces. It is with his help that we find the strength to follow Christ’s example of loving; a loving based on self-giving and sacrifice.
Question for Reflection: Do you accommodate your spouse more often with a smile or with a grumble?
John Bosio is a former marriage and family therapist, director of religious education, and diocesan family life coordinator. He and his wife, Teri, wrote Joined by Grace, a marriage preparation program from Ave Maria Press.
