Patience, a Virtue for Our Time

By John Bosio 

After months of a pandemic, with physical and social restrictions, most of us feel the effect of chronic stress. This manifests itself in our homes through arguments about money and bills, disagreements about managing the children, spats about whose turn it is to do a task in the home, and disconnects in other aspects of daily life. If you find yourself having difficult and tense conversations with your spouse and with your children, it may be helpful to pray for an increase in patience and tolerance, and to consider the following suggestions gathered from marriage experts: 

1. Pick your battles—Not every conflict needs to turn into a battle. John Gottman, a respected researcher on marriage, points out that 69 percent of conflicts in a marriage are recurring; they are not solvable. Couples need to learn to live with them. He and other psychologists point out that patience and compromise are essential virtues in marriage. 2. Control how you respond—Many conflicts with our spouse or our children are not initiated intentionally. They come to our doorsteps whether we want them or not. Unfortunately, when we are burdened by stress as many of us are today, we are likely to react to our spouse or to our children in a way that escalates the problem. A better option is to take a deep breath, gather our patience, examine the situation, and then respond in a constructive way. If you find that the conversation deteriorates, consider taking a break. 
2. When necessary, put some distance—Marriage therapists suggest that when we notice emotions boiling over, we stop ourselves, acknowledge that we have differences that need to be addressed, and ask for a brief pause. Gottman recommends taking 20 to 30 minutes to soothe yourselves by doing something totally different. 
3. Pray—Prayer can be very helpful at this point. This is something I learned from a young couple I was interviewing. I asked them, “How do you approach your spouse when you want to bring up a difficult subject?” The wife, responded, “I pray to the Holy Spirit to give me the right words and for both of us to have the right attitude to hear each other. That helps me to start our conversation gently without setting him off.”  Prayer can help us see things in perspective. Gottman tells couples to soften the way they begin a conversation. Avoid starting with a critical comment or an accusation. Present the facts as you see them and how you feel about them, and use words that are not insulting or blaming.    
4. Address hurt feelings—Often what stands in the way of a constructive conversation are the unacknowledged hurt feelings of one or both spouses. They may feel misunderstood, unappreciated, or taken advantage. These feelings are an obstacle to progress in resolving conflicts. Give your spouse a chance to verbalize his or her feelings, and make sure to listen without judging.  Empathy can make it easier to identify each other’s needs.  
5. Identify the source of the conflict—Once the emotions are exposed and the needs of both are identified, it becomes easier to address the source of the conflict and to consider solutions. This can lead to a compromise that is acceptable to both.  

What psychologists recommend for couples in times of stress is to make an effort to be tolerant of each other’s faults. We are all imperfect, we all make mistakes, and we all need forgiveness. Patience is a virtue that allows us to be present to each other with our imperfect selves. This can be very helpful during stressful times such as we are experiencing now. From our Catholic tradition we learn that patience is one of the fruits of the Holy Spirit. A few years ago while interviewing couples for our program Six Dates for Catholic Couples, I asked spouses: “What do you pray for in your marriage?” The most common response was: “I pray for patience.” Patience is a virtue we need in abundance in these days. Let’s pray for patience!   

The Serenity prayer may be helpful. Here it is in its original form as written by the author Reinhold Niebuhr: “God, grant me the grace to accept with serenity the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” 

Question for reflection: What do you pray for in your marriage? 

John Bosio is a former marriage and family therapist, director of religious education, and diocesan family life coordinator. He and his wife, Teri, wrote Joined by Grace, a marriage preparation program from Ave Maria Press.