The best way to approach a conflict with your spouse(or anyone for that matter) is always with an open mind, open soul, and open heart. When you do this, you prepare yourself to work together with your partner in life to come to an agreement that works for your marriage. The best way to ensure that this happens is to go in with a game plan, and we recommend adopting the model of identifying the problem, praying about the problem, and solving the problem.
a. Identify the real problem. Too often, the thing we’re upset about isn’t the problem we really need to solve. Maybe you’re mad that your husband left his socks on the floor, so you yell at him about that, but the real problem is that you need more help around the house in general. If you just yell about the socks, the larger problem is going to be missed. Maybe you’re mad about your wife buying that expensive pair of shoes, but if you just yell at her about that, you’re missing an opportunity to solve the real problem—the need to get a budget you can both agree on. Before you open your mouth to complain about the latest offense or the most recent irritation, take a minute to ask what the real problem is.
b. Pray about the best way forward. Once you’ve decided what the real issue is, take a moment to ask God to help you figure out the best way to address the problem. Sometimes, you might be surprised to find that the best thing to do is just let it go. After all, some problems do solve themselves with a little patience, understanding, and time. Of course, if you find yourself still being irritated about something after you’ve tried to let it go, it’s definitely better to bring it up. That said, praying about the problem before you speak about it will remind you that God has a stake in how this problem is addressed and will connect you with the grace you need to discuss your problems with charity and respect.
c. Identify a possible solution and lead with that. Once you’ve identified the actual problem and taken it to God, try to think of how you might like to solve the problem. If you can lead with a possible solution instead of leading with your emotions, you’ll have a better chance of success. For instance, which of the following statements do you think will have a better chance of setting up a good discussion about a problem?
“You’re so thoughtless!”
vs.
“I’m really tired and I could use some more help to get the house in order. Could you get your schedule so we could figure out a time to get the bedroom cleaned up?”
“I can’t believe you would talk to me that way—and in front of our friends!”
vs.
“I really need us to figure out a better way to handle those times when we get on each other’s nerves in public. What would it take to save those conversations until we get home?”
“Your mother is a total witch!”
vs.
“I need your help figuring out a way to handle your mom when she tells me that I’ve gained some weight. Ignoring her doesn’t work. What can I do or say that won’t upset you, but still lets her know that I’m not open to discussing certain things with her?”
Obviously, in each case the second statements have the greater potential to be successful than the first. Equally obviously, the second statements are not the sort of thing one just says in the heat of the moment. Many people believe that in order to be “true to themselves” they are obliged to say what they are feeling in the middle of feeling it, but the truth is, feelings are God’s gift to you, not anyone else. Your feelings are God’s way of calling your attention to a potential problem. Having received the emotional message, you need to go to God to figure out whether the emotional message was a glitch (because you were tired, or underfed, or overwrought, or otherwise not functioning properly)or whether it was intended to point out some real issue that needed to be addressed. Having sought God’s counsel and calmed down a bit, now it’s time to raise the issue. Instead of leading with your emotions, leading with possible solutions gives you a way to discuss possible ways to prevent the situation from occurring in the future without letting the conversation devolve into “I feel so awful about who did what to whom.”
This excerpt from Just Married The Catholic Guide to Surviving and Thriving in the First Five years of Marriage is reprinted with permission of Ave Maria Press.
