Bobby Died All Over Again at Our House
Teri: Some time ago, while John was organizing boxes of family photos, he came across a small envelope dating back to his youth. It contained two pictures of a younger John standing next to the late Senator Robert Kennedy Jr. Together with the pictures was the senator’s autograph.
I looked at the pictures with interest and told John that I wanted to show them to my friends who were coming over for dinner that day. These pictures were very special to John, and he did not want to part with them. But because of my insistence, he let me have them with a promise to take care of them.
The next morning, I went to the laundry room to transfer to the dryer a load of placemats used at dinner the night before. As I pulled them out of the washing machine, I was surprised to notice particles of white paper all over the placemats. When I reached into the washing machine, I was horrified to see Bobby Kennedy staring at me. I had a moment of denial and told myself it wasn’t so. Another look said it really was, and I realized that the tiny white pieces of paper were what used to be Bobby’s autograph.
John: Teri called me at my office, saying, “Something terrible has happened. I washed your pictures.”
“What pictures?” I asked.
“Bobby’s,” she replied with a lot of pain in her voice, followed by silence. I immediately knew what she meant.
At that moment I had many thoughts and feelings, none of them pleasant. I could have cussed and screamed and threatened her, but nothing would change what happened. Teri was so apologetic and ready to have the pictures professionally restored that I could not be mean to her. I chose to stay calm, and I said to myself, “They are just pictures.” Forgiveness was the best course of action, not only for Teri’s sake but for mine.
In marriage, all of us encounter difficult situations in which forgiveness is called for, such as the one mentioned in the story above. While the losses and pains are often caused unintentionally, we can intentionally choose how we respond to them. On these occasions, we can choose to make a big deal and beat our spouses with verbal and emotional lashes to get even, or we can chose to express our disappointment and hurt without bringing our spouses down to our level of pain. This is the way of forgiveness.
- When was the last time someone offended or hurt you?
- If you chose to carry a grudge, what did that feel like to you?
- If you chose to forgive, what did that feel like to you?
Forgiveness Is a Decision
Italian psychologist, Roberto Assagioli, wrote that “without forgiveness life is governed . . . by an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation.” Forgiveness is never easy, and yet it is something we cannot live without. An article on forgiveness produced by the Mayo Clinic staff defines forgiveness as a “decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge.” When you forgive someone who hurts you, the hurt may remain as part of your life but forgiveness lessens its grip on you. The fact is that if you do not forgive, you may pay dearly. According to the Mayo Clinic article, lack of forgiveness may lead to deterioration of your marriage, increased stress and anxiety, depression, and a negative impact on your overall health.
Mark Twain is known to have said, “Anger is an acid that does more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which is poured.”
Admitting Our Faults
Seeking forgiveness includes both admitting our faults and asking for forgiveness. Many of us find it difficult to say, “I was wrong. I made a mistake. Please forgive me.” Unfortunately, we just mumble, “I am sorry,” and then we move on, expecting to be forgiven. Saying “I’m sorry” is not a direct admission of fault. “I’m sorry” has a less positive impact on the person offended than the words “It’s my fault. I was wrong. Please forgive me.” Confessing our faults requires an admission of wrongdoing, a promise not to repeat the offence, and, if damage is done, an offer of reparation. Such admission of fault builds a bridge to forgiveness and to reconciliation.
Reconciliation
Reconciliation is the next step in the healing process. But oftentimes reconciliation is difficult because we have both caused pain to the other, and neither one wants to be the first to admit being wrong. Making the first step requires humility and some creativity in finding ways to break the ice.
Teri: Here Is a Cookie
One afternoon, early in our marriage, John and I had argued, and I don’t even remember the reason. I was offended, and so I left the house to clear my mind. I went to the mall to walk and to calm myself. While there, I stopped to buy myself a chocolate chip cookie. As I ordered it, I suddenly felt bad. I realized I was buying a cookie for myself but not for John, as I usually do. So I ordered a second one for John. When I got home, I approached John, who was sitting on the couch, and threw the cookie to him, with half a smile, saying, “I got you a cookie.” That broke the ice. My semi-kind gesture gave him a signal that I was ready to talk. It made it easier for both of us to say to the other, “I was wrong.”
For reconciliation to happen, both parties need to be ready. Here is where faith and God’s grace can help restore peace. Catholic spouses find help in restoring peace first of all in the knowledge that Christ is present in their relationship and can give them the courage to ask for forgiveness and heal the relationship. This healing can also be celebrated in the sacrament of Reconciliation. Regular examination of conscience and confession help us form our conscience. Through them we receive the graces to overcome some of our imperfections and Godforgives our sins.
- How do you and your fiancé manage your feelings of hurt and anger?
- How do you reconcile with each other?
- How did you experience forgiveness in your home when you were growing up?
This excerpt from The Joined by Grace Couple’s Book is reprinted with permission of Ave Maria Press.
John Bosio is a former marriage and family therapist, director of religious education, and diocesan family life coordinator. He and his wife, Teri, wrote Joined by Grace, a marriage preparation program from Ave Maria Press.
