By John Bosio
I have often compared married life to a dance. It is rhythmic, passionate, and beautiful. But this dance can easily turn into a tug of war, a battle for control and for power. Do you remember how you and your spouse have battled over such things as “my money/your money,” “my job/your job,” “my parents/your parents,” “my turn/your turn,” “my friends/your friends?” and “I want/you want?”
I do not remember the first big argument that Teri and I had, but I remember very clearly one painful confrontation that took place in the first year of our marriage. Not surprisingly, it was about money.
When we got married, we transferred Teri’s money into “my” checking account. We thought this was the best way to handle our finances. For us, having a common account represented our intent of sharing everything. Since our money was now in what used to be “my” checking account, we both assumed that I would be the one to keep the checkbook and pay the bills. Besides, in Teri’s family, her father paid the bills.
We soon ran into a problem. As I tracked the expenses, it became painfully obvious to me that Teri and I had different priorities in our spending habits. Looking at the entries in the checkbook, I would find myself questioning Teri on most purchases she made. “Was this really necessary? Do you realize how close we are to going under the balance? Why didn’t you ask me before buying that?” This type of questioning created a lot of friction between us.
The situation actually got worse when Teri lost her job. Now she was home during the day and spent more time shopping. I soon became very concerned. I would say to myself: “Not only is she not earning any money, but she is spending more, and worse, she is buying things I don’t think are necessary.” These thoughts upset me and led me to make sarcastic remarks that escalated our tug-of-war. I started watching the checkbook entries ever more closely and Teri started making some purchases just to make the point that she did not have to account to me for every dollar she spent. Tension was building.
This unpleasant situation finally led to one of those “Let’s talk” moments. One evening I said to Teri:“Sometimes I feel that you expect me to provide a comfortable life for you, just like your father did when you lived at home. You used to work; now you don’t, and I do not make very much money. . . . I don’t understand why you shop at the same department stores and buy the same brands your mother buys. They are so expensive!” She replied: “I know that you are not making very much money, and I will get another job soon. And, by the way, I do not expect to live like my parents do, but you are cheap. If it were up to you we would never buy anything, or we would shop at the dime store all the time.” I have to admit that she was right about my reluctance to spend.
Needless to say, it was a long conversation in which we shared many feelings and thoughts on this matter. Finally, we agreed that we had a problem, and the best tool to help us out of our dilemma was creating a budget. The next day, we went out and bought a budgeting book. We worked together to allocate our monthly income into categories that reflected our typical expenditures: rent, food, clothing, gas, etc. We both agreed to follow the budget faithfully, and this proved very helpful.
On my part, I volunteered that Teri should keep the checkbook and pay the bills, since she was making most of the purchases for both of us, and it was best if she knew how much money was in the bank. In spite of my anxiety about money, I did trust her judgment and knew that she would be prudent. As it turned out, not only is Teri a very responsible person, she is also a capable money manager.
In retrospect, after thirty-plus years of marriage, I think that battles over money, sex, in-laws, children, and hobbies are necessary evils in every marriage. They help each spouse define themself and their roles in the relationship and contribute to the establishment of agreements between the spouses that form the landscape of their marital unity.
What Teri and I have learned from our own relationship and from observing other couples is that these inevitable battles are most critical and most painful in the first five to ten years of the marriage. In fact, the US Census Bureau reports that 50 percent of those who divorce do so by the eighth year of marriage. After the tenth year, most of the important issues of contention are settled and life together takes on a different pace. Of course, nothing in marriage is permanent and new conflicts arise, especially as the children grow and careers take shape. As time passes, new agreements must be renegotiated and recommitted to.
Experts tell us that many conflicts in marriage are inevitable and that some are irresolvable. Lasting marriages result from a couple’s ability to negotiate solutions to the conflicts that can be resolved and to agree to tolerate and to live with the differences that cannot be resolved.
Question for Reflection: Have you and your spouse learned to tolerate and live in peace with the differences between the two of you that you cannot resolve?
John Bosio is a former marriage and family therapist, director of religious education, and diocesan family life coordinator. He and his wife, Teri, wrote Joined by Grace, a marriage preparation program from Ave Maria Press.
