By John Bosio
During a recent visit with my sister and brother-in-law who are adjusting to the retired life, each of them complained to me about the other. She was saying: “Retired life would be great if he was not so stubborn. When he sets his mind to do something, he does it, and either I go along with it or we fight. The house is a mess. He starts a project, then another, then one more, and never finishes any one of them. His presence at home 24 hours-a–day drives me crazy.”
I heard a similar litany from her husband: “I retired first and I had my own comfortable routine at home during the day. Now she is at home and we get in each other’s way. She criticizes everything I do, including my favorite hobbies. For years I enjoyed tending to our garden. When she was working she had no interest in it. Now she is telling me what to plant and when to plant it, and calls my garden a jungle.”
I am certain that similar conflicts between spouses go on in all homes, and not just in the homes of newly retired persons. Husbands and wives want to be together but they each want enough space to be their unique selves. To find happiness in the company of each other, spouses must strike a balance between the me-time and the together-time, and between my-way and your-way that is comfortable to both. If this need for private space is not negotiated through honest and tactful communication it will be claimed in endless fights that hurt the relationship. The most damaging of these fights are the ones that spiral out of control because emotions run unchecked. Successful couples learn to manage their emotions during conflicts.
In a disagreement with your spouse, when you feel your emotions beginning to boil, consider the following:
- Call a truce. Stop the bickering and criticism. Take time to cool off and reassess your priorities. Ask yourself: Do I really want to have this fight?
- Put on a new attitude. In Christian marriage, you committed to love your spouse as Christ loves the Church with all of her imperfections and flaws. Ask yourself: What would Jesus do?
- Observe without passing judgment. Become aware of what your spouse likes and wants.
- Consider what would happen if you helped your spouse achieve some of what he/she likes and wants.
- Make a small change. Take the first step. Start unilaterally to accommodate some of your spouses’ wishes. Pray to God for guidance and strength because making changes requires sacrifice.
Growing in love requires making many changes. Effective change always begins with one person taking the first step toward the other. Someone has to do it. Let it be you! Your loving actions will not go unnoticed. Your spouse will respond in kind because goodness invites goodness and “Love grows through love,” writes Benedict XVI.
Question for reflection: Think of your last blow-out with your spouse. What could you have done to keep it from spiraling into an emotionally charged battle?
John Bosio is a former marriage and family therapist, director of religious education, and diocesan family life coordinator. He and his wife, Teri, wrote Joined by Grace, a marriage preparation program from Ave Maria Press.
