By John Bosio
The Bible verse John 3:16 is often displayed at sporting events. It represents a passage from the Gospel of John proclaiming the greatest gift humanity has received from God: “For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone… might have eternal life.” At Christmas, we celebrate the gift of God’s son and his presence as a person among us.
Why not give the gift of your presence to your family at Christmas this year? Our presence is the most important gesture of love that we can give to the people we care about. Too often at Christmas we are focused on giving each other material presents, and forget that the most valuable one is the gift of our attention and presence.
Dave and Diane (not their real names) are a couple in their early thirties. Married seven years, they have two children. Dave is a successful professional and Diane works part-time at the local library. They are a normal couple and face the challenges that all normal couples encounter. I met them for the first time when they came to my office for marriage counseling.
As I listened to Diane and Dave describe their struggles, a mental picture of their evening routine appeared in my mind. It is 7 pm. Dave drives the car into the garage, finally home after a long day at work. Diane is in the kitchen talking on the phone with a friend. The children are upstairs watching TV. Dave steps into the house and, as if he is invisible, walks by Diane without saying a word. She is so engrossed in her phone conversation that she hardly notices him. Dave goes upstairs to put his briefcase away and pokes his head into the room where the children are. He does not say anything and they continue watching TV without acknowledging his presence. Dave returns to the kitchen where he finds his dinner warming on the stove while Diane continues her phone conversation. Diane and the children have already eaten. He takes his plate to the living room, turns on the TV, and watches whatever program is on while he eats by himself. He ends up falling asleep in his chair. In the meantime, Diane has put the children to bed. Dave later tells Diane, who is now busy on her computer, that he is tired and he goes to bed.
What is wrong with this picture? This family is disconnected. They live in the same home but they are invisible to one another. Perhaps you may recognize some of your own habits in the interactions between Dave and Diane. If you do, Christmas may be a good time to give your family the gift of your attention and presence. Here are some simple suggestions:
- When a person returns home, acknowledge their presence. Stop what you are doing and greet them. Even if you are on the phone like Diane, a smile or a small gesture may be simple ways to acknowledge the other person’s presence.
- Have a meal together regularly. In our busy world, families are finding it difficult to make time for daily meals together. It is not impossible. Make an effort. Experts say that to be beneficial a family meal needs to happen at least three times a week.
- Teach your children to welcome their parents and their brothers and sisters when they return home. Again, it does not need to be a major production. A smile, hello, and a gesture may be sufficient; it is the acknowledgment of the other person’s presence that counts.
A smile, a wave of the hand, a kiss, a word of welcome, a moment of quiet listening to a person venting frustrations, a hug, and a compliment are all ways of connecting that say: “I care. I love you. You are important to me.” Without these visible gestures of acknowledgment, we become invisible and grow distant from one another.
This year start practicing being present to one another during your Christmas celebrations. Make time to visit with a member of your family. Spend one-on-one time with your children in activities that you both enjoy. Perhaps becoming more visible to one another can be one of the resolutions you can carry on into the new year. It will strengthen the unity of your family.
Question for Reflection: Are there times when you feel ignored by your family? Teach your family the importance of recognizing each other’s presence.
John Bosio is a former marriage and family therapist, director of religious education, and diocesan family life coordinator. He and his wife, Teri, wrote Joined by Grace, a marriage preparation program from Ave Maria Press.
