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Q: My husband I were married in the Catholic Church. He attends a Christian church and takes the Bible as the literal word of God. I attend Mass faithfully; he attends his church occasionally. Someone wisely said before we got married that this division could cause a rift in our marriage. And as any bride excited about getting married would do, I unwisely ignored this sage advice and said, “that will never happen to us.” We have many more problems amongst us, many of them are deemed to be problems my husband has identified about me—some fair and some not fair. In a spirit of trying to repair our not-yet-one-year-old marriage, I compromised and decided to attend my husband’s church instead of mine. I told him I still want to keep my weekly adoration hours (in the middle of the night which doesn’t impact him) and I will still pray…

5. Take Breaks, Early and Often As we mentioned above, everyone knows the importance of taking breaks, but almost everyone takes them too late, resulting in scenes where, at about an 8, one spouse proclaims, “I’m not talking about this anymore. I’m done!” and the other responds, “Like hell you are!”and then they follow each other around from room to room trying to, loudly, not have the conversation. In order to work, a break must be taken much earlier, say at around a 7. At this stage, breaks are brief moments when one spouse or another steps away from the discussion to collect themselves so that they can shortly return to and continue with the conversation. For instance, let’s say that you’re feeling as if you or your spouse is at the 7 on the emotional temperature scale. To take a break you might say, “I’m sorry, my throat is…

Marriages succeed only if spouses are willing to regularly accommodate each other. Accommodating each other’s likes and dislikes was for Teri and me the most challenging adjustment in the first years of our marriage. Differences are often what attract us, but once we start the marital journey together these differences can became bones of contention. When Teri and I got married we brought together cultures as diverse as anyone could imagine. I am an Italian, born in a small town of northern Italy and Teri is a French/Irish American whose family roots are from Louisiana. I am the son of a farmer who became a factory worker to make a living. Teri is the daughter of a well-respected corporate leader. I came to this country alone with $1,000 in my pocket. Teri, on the other hand, was used to the comfort of a large and well-established family. In the early…

3. You Don’t Have to Agree on What “Really” Happened The couples we talk to on our radio program and in our counseling practice often get hung up on the question,“How can we solve our problems if we can’t even agree on what happened?” These couples get stuck arguing so much about the details of who did what to whom and when and how that they never get around to solving the problem. Let us let you in on a little secret. It is a very rare instance, indeed, when any married couple—especially the best ones—actually agree on what “really” happened. Agreement about who was wrong and who was right and who started it and how happens once in a while, but it’s certainly not the norm. Take it as a gift if it happens, but don’t count on it. The good news is that to solve a problem, you…

Q: My husband and I had both lost our spouses when we married 10 years ago. I keep wondering if he loves me the same or, hopefully, more than his deceased wife. This has become an obsession for me.—RT Greg Popcak: The feelings you describe are relatively common, but you’re focusing on the wrong question. You have framed your problem in a way that is impossible to answer. That’s why you are becoming obsessed.  We can never really get enough of what we don’t really want. For whatever reason, you feel insecure in your relationship with your husband, but rather than asking yourself what you need to do to improve your connection with him, you put yourself in the position of competing with a dead woman. How can you possibly win? First, you need to check your assumptions about how love works. Love is not a natural resource that is…

We spent the last chapter talking about the bad habits you need to avoid and reviewing the habits you need to cultivate instead. For instance, complaints (non-personal, non-accusatory statements about needs or concerns) are fine; criticisms (personal, antagonistic blaming statements) are not. Understanding and helpful statements can defeat defensiveness, and compassionate statements can overcome contempt. Knowing when you need help and having the humility to seek that help can make all the difference between becoming a marriage master or being a marriage disaster. And prayer, before and after conflict and especially during—both as an individual and as a couple—is critical to successful, godly,marriage-building communication. Having reviewed some of the specific traps couples fall in, we’d like to offer seven additional tips to help you successfully resolve conflict. 1.    Take Care of Each Other Ironically, the most important thing about problem solving has nothing to do with actually solving the problem….

By John Bosio Is there really such thing as a “compatible” couple? Research suggests that all couples have unresolved issues, but that what is important is for spouses to keep the disagreements from dismantling the relationship. Authors have excellent suggestions for keeping disagreements from tearing the marital relationship apart, such as: don’t let your arguments escalate into emotional earthquakes—take time to cool down; let your spouse speak their mind without interrupting; and stay on the topic and avoid dragging past events into the discussion. However, as I read the books and articles that well-intended authors have written to counsel couples, I realize that no one is addressing the root cause of all marital discord. The reason we hurt each other is not so much that we are incompatible or because we do not know how to communicate, it is primarily because we give in to something our mother told us…

After two decades of marriage, six kids (including a premature baby), one miscarriage, and a slew of “learning opportunities,” I’d say the mister and I have learned one critical lesson: we have SO much more to learn. During the course of our marriage, our definitions of “busy” and “romance” have changed. But, there are some universal truths. Here are our best ten: Connect with one another. At the beginning of every morning, Scott makes it a point to pause to give me a hug and a lovely kiss before he heads out of the door for work. On the days he forgets, I run into the driveway in my pajamas because it’s just that important. At the end of the day, he does the same thing. I’m here to tell you that it’s the little things that break a marriage. Just as Casting Crowns so eloquently says, “It’s a slow fade, when…