Are there things in your marriage you want to change? Practice these tips from 101 Tips for a Happier Marriage by Jennifer Roback Morse and Betsy Kerekes to improve your relationship and grow closer to God. These tips are intended to help couples have a life-long, happy, and loving marriage even amidst the struggles and challenges.
• Remember that only God is God. Let your spouse be human. Give your spouse a break from always being perfectly understanding, always loving, and always there for you.
Ask yourself this: Are you always perfectly understanding, loving, and there for your spouse? It’s highly unlikely that you are, and if you’re not perfect, then how can you expect your spouse to be? Only God is perfect. Let God be your example and your guide.
• Accept the fact that you are limited, imperfect, and fallible. You do not have to control everything in the world around you. Realize that you are not God.
Married couples must understand that they are not all-powerful. Stuff happens. You will be tried and tested. Remember to pray. Don’t fall apart. Deal with it the best you can. Then move on.
• Concentrate on changing yourself, which you have the power to do. Leave your spouse some room for his or her own growth process.
The expression “You can’t change a person” is often used, and with good reason. People have to be willing to change their ways. That desire has to come from within, not from you. You can nudge and nag all you want, but that may only cause resentment and resistance. Instead, take a closer look at yourself. While it is humanly impossible to be perfect, you can still do your best. Ask yourself: What about myself could use improvement for the betterment of my marriage? Consider changing your reactions to the imperfections of your spouse. It’s possible that he or she has just as much to put up with as you do.
• Take responsibility for your own happiness. Your spouse does not really have the power to make you happy or miserable. You have a choice about how to react to what your spouse succeeds or fails to do.
If there is one thing you can control in your relationship, it’s how you react to the things that happen around you. Try planning your reactions in your head by imagining future (potentially irritating) conversations with your spouse. Practice graceful responses like, “I’m sorry that you feel that way. What can we do to make you feel like I’m on your side right now?”
• Take responsibility for meeting your own needs. You can take care of yourself. Know that you will survive, no matter what your spouse chooses to do or not do.
Knock yourself out of the mindset that your spouse has often done this or that for you, and therefore should always do those things for you. Sometimes that just won’t be possible, and that’s okay, because you’re a big kid. You will survive, even if it means squishing the big spider yourself, pulling the chair over to reach the top shelf on your own, or cooking for yourself. It may mean listening to “Eye of the Tiger” several times in advance, but you can do it.
• Make a decision to take care of household issues that really matter to you. You won’t need to nag your spouse about something truly important to you because you will be solving the problem your- self.
Believe it or not, social scientists have studied the question of housework: who does it, who complains about it, and what difference it makes. Study after study shows that women are happier when they feel appreciated for their contributions, and men are happier when they don’t feel nagged. So, if the housework is nagging at you, don’t nag at each other! Just take care of it! And if your spouse takes care of something, say thank you.
• Make a decision to let go of the small stuff. If it isn’t important enough for you to take care of yourself, it isn’t important enough to nag your spouse about.
You really think the kitchen garbage can needs to be scrubbed out. Your spouse disagrees. You may be right. But you may have to accept the fact that you’re going to be scrubbing it yourself. Or you may need to just let it go for a couple days longer than you originally hoped. Until you need to call the Health Department, letting it go is perfectly fi
• Be grateful for the good things in your life. Avoid feeling sorry for yourself at all costs. Self-pity is deadly because it drains the joy out of your life.
It’s impossible to go through life and have every- thing go your way all the time. Sometimes bad stuff happens, and sometimes really bad stuff happens. Remember that no matter how terrible things may seem, there is always someone who has it worse. When you think things are rough for you, ponder the Passion of Christ and gain some perspective. Then rely on the Lord to help you.
• Let the differences between you and your spouse become a source of strength. It is a scientifically proven fact that men and women differ in significant ways. Appreciate and use these differences, rather than fight over them.
It’s okay that he normally takes out the trash and she normally washes the dishes. Don’t fret about falling into gender stereotypes. There’s a rea- son why men and women typically do those tasks— because they are men and women. It just comes naturally. Go with it. Men and women complement each other, and together make a great team, especially when it comes to raising children. Play to your strengths.
• Adopt this motto: Setbacks are inevitable, but failure is unthinkable.
People who get prenuptial agreements are people who get divorced. You can’t go into a marriage with an exit strategy and expect the marriage to last. Take the d-word out of your vocabulary. When it comes to your marriage, that word doesn’t exist. Without an easy “out,” you will be more challenged to make the marriage work. So make it work.
This excerpt from 101 tips for a Happier Marriage: Simple Ways for Couples to Grow Closer to God and to Each Other is reprinted with permission of Ave Maria Press.
