Whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.
—Matthew 16:25
A life of self-gift deviates from the social script and that is part of why it is so difficult. We need look no further than the life of Jesus. He stood out by being present, available to, and signaling the dignity of others. So too, if we stand out, we will experience some form of rejection. The perennial crossroad of life is one where the path of comfort runs across the path of meaning, connection, and selflessness. In writing these words, the choice seems easy, but it almost never is. And yet we still know that we want to choose the way of meaning, connection, and sacrifice.
In a terrible yet amusing way, self-gift is both the problem and the solution. It is the problem because it is so difficult. Selfishness is a way of life that we can slowly slide into until we find ourselves unsatisfied and lonely, even in close relationships. But self-gift is the solution because almost as fast as we start to think of other people, we find that our dissatisfaction dissipates and our loneliness gives way to connection. Making a gift of yourself is the final and vital key toward achieving emotional intimacy.
My family is tremendously blessed to have a community of families that frequently gather together. We play and pray together and encourage one another in life and in our marriages. At one gathering, one husband shared that he has a mental trick to help him be less selfish. Like with every couple, there are competing desires and sometimes they are mutually exclusive. For example both people can’t get up early to workout and sleep in at the same time. He wishes they could, but he knows that wish won’t come true. So when their conversations turn into a challenge of egos, he tries to remind himself that his job is not to look after his own interests, but rather to look after his wife’s.
At the altar, they vowed to love each other and Christian love means making a gift of yourself to the other. It is easy to think, “But what about my needs—what about what I want? If I don’t speak up for myself, who will?” And yet, my friend argues this line of thinking is a trap. Both he and his wife can always justify doing more for their individual selves, but they made a promise not to be a me-first person. One way he combats those temptations to be self-serving is by reminding himself of his wife’s love for him and recalling that she will take care of him. This helps him be free to think of her, to love her, and to sacrifice what is important to him so that she can know God’s sacrificial love through him. It’s a pretty sweet deal.
To this day, he says that he has never gone wrong in choosing to love her and set his own concerns aside, even though it is often difficult and sometimes painful. If you are concerned this will turn someone into a human doormat, be at peace. I’m not recommending you should consent to anything that demeans your dignity, is sinful for you or the other person, or makes you feel unreasonably uncomfortable.
Imagine the possibilities if we lived our relationships with this pattern of trust and mutual love! Naturally, how we extend ourselves depends upon the type of relationship. Even in relationships where you won’t have exchanged vows, the model of love that Jesus gave us on the Cross still informs how we establish intimacy with others.
Essentially, I am inviting you to say something like this to yourself: “I will put this person and their needs first. I trust that he or she is my friend and will also think of me, and I know that to the extent I depend upon him or her, my needs will be met.” Tough as it may seem, we can still do this and act with prudence and wisdom, giving priority to our state in life, our spouse, children, family, and friends and always seeking to follow Jesus and fulfill our vocation.
In the short-term, this is difficult because it requires immediate sacrifice of something that seems urgent or important to us. We are left with a lingering fear of whether the other person will live up to our expectations for them. But in the long run, we begin to see who is really a friend, who has our best interest in mind and who is willing to also make sacrifices for us. And we see that loneliness diminishes whenever someone rises to the occasion.
This excerpt from Leaving Loneliness Behind is reprinted with permission of Ave Maria Press.
Regina Boyd is a licensed mental health counselor and marriage and family therapist. She is the author of Leaving Loneliness Behind: 5 Keys to Experiencing God’s Love and Building Healthy Connections with Others, the founder of Boyd Counseling Services, and a contributor to the Hallow app.
