My parents have long had a wonderful saying: “Never leave one good party in search of another.” Of course, the adage applied to real parties. My mom and dad were notorious for being the last to leave any social gathering. They were the first on the dance floor and the last to wave goodbye, usually after having stayed around to help clean up.
But I learned early on that their wisdom also applied to most of the important things in life: education, career, and especially marriage. When I need an example of a strong marriage, I simply look to my own parents, who have been going strong for fifty years and counting. I won’t say that they never fought, but I will say that they were partners through and through. At the core of their relationship is a mutual covenant to help one another get to heaven and to experience heaven on earth within our family. From them, I have learned what marriage is and is not.
- My marriage is not a team of two individuals but rather a melding of two hearts making mutual sacrifices toward common goals.
- My marriage is not the total giving up of myself and who I am but rather the lifelong journey toward a better version of the partner I desire to be.
- My marriage is training myself to stop thinking in terms of “I” and “me” and to consider at every turn “us” and “we.”
- My marriage doesn’t mean that I have to spend every waking moment with Greg, but it should lead toward a constantly greater sense of desiring his company—physically and emotionally.
- My marriage isn’t always easy or pretty or perfect, but striving to be the best wife I can possibly be should always be at the top of my priorities. She is the person God desires me to be, making the most of the gifts and talents he has created within me. When I give my very best to Greg and he gives his best to me, we are closest to living out the perfection of the walk with Christ to which Baptism calls us.
Marriage has taught me the art of compromise—movement toward agreement in disputes by moving toward mutual concessions. Author Phyllis McGinley once wrote, “Compromise, if not the spice of life, is its solidity. It is what makes nations great and marriages happy.”
My marital yes has been a gradual learning of what it means to consider life through a prism shared with another individual with his own set of needs, desires, and priorities. In order to reach a compromise, I find myself constantly working to better my communication skills and to avoid the assumption that my husband is a mind reader. How can Greg reach a shared goal with me if he has no idea what my desires or needs are? But far too often, in my selfish way, I have chosen not to verbalize and instead to penalize, holding it over my partner’s head when things don’t go my way.
In my marriage, “Never leave one good party in search of another” shines the light not only on our fidelity but also on the joy that I desire to build with Greg at the heart of our marriage. Sticking with one another through ramen-noodle poverty days, crazed parenting of toddlers and teens, and the current turning toward our middle-aged and senior years hasn’t always been pretty or fun. We have made our fair share of bad judgments along the way. But I will honestly proclaim that at the end of the day and the end of my life, I want to be found in the company of my very best friend, my husband, my party partner for life.
This excerpt from The Grace of Yes: Eight Virtues for Generous Living is reprinted with permission of Ave Maria Press.
Lisa M. Hendey is the founder of the award-winning CatholicMom.com. She is the bestselling author of multiple books for adults and children, including The Handbook for Catholic Moms, A Book of Saints for Catholic Moms, The Grace of Yes, I’m a Saint in the Making, and the Chime Travelers fiction series.
