There are many people and organizations today that downplay the importance of gender or want to deny there are any differences between men and women. But the popularity of bestselling books such as Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus and Men and Women Are from Eden show that many married couples are quite interested in understanding the inherent differences between the sexes. Research has validated that there are fundamental differences in the way men and women relate in marriage. And scripture highlights these differences in the creation story: “God created mankind in his image; in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them” (Gn 1:27).
I was amazed while studying the theology of the body to discover the rich meaning of the Hebrew names for male and female. The word male in Hebrew is zakar. It literally means “to remember,” and it speaks to the man’s call to be faithful to God’s covenant. Throughout salvation history, God consistently calls the man to be the initiator of the covenant. The Hebrew word for female is neqebeh, which is also rich with meaning. It means “open,” and it speaks to the woman’s receptive and nurturing nature and her role as the initiator of communion. As St. John Paul II observes, there is no greater human communion than that which a mother experiences with her child. Can you see how the male remembering the covenant protects the vulnerable communion between mother and child, as well as that which exists between husband, wife, and children?
One example of our gender differences became apparent when our daughters were born. Having carried these babies in her womb and giving birth to them, Margie’s love was more intimate than mine could ever be. She was fully engaged and had little concern for the future in that heightened moment of joy. I delighted in being present at my daughters’ births and fell in love with each of them immediately, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t experience the level of communion Margie felt with them. I marveled at my wife’s strength through labor and in giving birth, and at her bond with them immediately after birth. I too felt a bond, but it was different than the one they experienced as mother and child. Margie was on the inside of the experience, and I participated from the outside. On the other hand, I experienced my identity as a father immediately. Though I was still in school, I felt responsible as the primary provider and protector and had a long-term vision for their lives. Even though Margie shared equally in those roles, she did not carry the weight of them like I did as a man. We both loved our girls but in different ways.
As men and women, we have much in common in our humanity. But we also have many attributes that are dissimilar due to our unique sexual design. The following are just a few of the many differences between men and women: DNA, reproductive anatomy, hormones, brain structures, sensitivities, intuition, and relational capacities. Did you know that men’s and women’s brains are structured differently? Interestingly, men have a thicker corpus callosum, which is the nerve bundle dividing the right and left hemispheres of the brain. This is due to the male hormone testosterone, which is released early in fetal development.
One effect of this difference in brain composition is that men have a greater ability to compartmentalize. We typically process the interchange between thoughts and feelings much less quickly than women do. We also become overwhelmed in heightened conflict much more readily than women do. That may be why, as some humorists contend, a husband can never win an argument with his wife. She processes information much too quickly for him to keep up. We may laugh at the comedian’s insight, but it is no laughing matter in the middle of an intense argument. These differences between the sexes are meant to complement each other, but they can be a source of tremendous pain and hardship when not mutually understood and respected.
By contrast, men tend, on average, to be physically stronger than their wives. A man is naturally called to be the protector. But this strength can become a weakness when a man, feeling overpowered in the middle of a heated conflict, uses physical intimidation to overpower and silence his wife. Clearly, this is an abuse of power and reveals a lack of internal strength in honoring the dignity of his wife. If we don’t recognize and respect these individual strengths and weaknesses, either side is prone to misuse their strength in the face of the other’s weaknesses. Conversely, when the differences are respected, they become a source of complementarity and mutual support.
Gender differences can also influence the way we relate with one another, even in low-stress situations. In marital needs inventories, most women report that emotional intimacy and security are their primary needs in marriage. By contrast, many men tend toward nonverbal expressions in their pursuit of connection. They often prefer physical activity over intimate emotional sharing. Men are typically more inclined to seek relational connectedness in physical activities such as work and recreational companionship, and in sexual fulfillment. These differences between physical and emotional expression are present even in early childhood. Comparative studies of boys and girls in unstructured situations typically reveal boys are more likely to bond through sharing in physical activities, while girls are more inclined to form relational bonds through verbal communication in small, intimate groups.
Despite these overall differences in gender, Dr. Gregory Popcak cautions that we cannot fall into stereotypes. He notes that in about 20 percent of married couples, these patterns of relating seem to be reversed. In these cases, husbands are more emotionally expressive, whereas their wives are more nonverbal in their pursuit of emotional connectedness. Every couple is unique. One of the many reasons for this uniqueness is that each of us has our own way of giving and receiving love. These expressions are referred to as love languages.
This excerpt from Be Devoted: Restoring Friendship, Passion, and Communion in Your Marriage is reprinted with permission of Ave Maria Press.
Bob Schuchts is the bestselling author of Be Healed, Be Transformed, Be Devoted, Be Restored, and Do You Want to Be Healed? He is the founder of the John Paul II Healing Center in Tallahassee, Florida, and cohost of the Restore the Glory podcast with Jake Khym.
