For our love to be life-giving, we need to be connected with one another. Unfortunately, in today’s electronically linked world, we are sometimes more aware of the people on the other side of our phone or the Internet than of the people who are sitting in front of us: the members of our family. How can we provide for their needs and be of service to them if we are not aware of them?
John: Invisible People
Dave and Diane are a couple in their early thirties. Married seven years, they have two children. Dave is a successful professional, and Diane works part-time at the local library. They are a normal couple and have the problems that all couples have. As I listened to Diane and Dave describe, during a counseling session, their problems and their schedules, I formed a mental picture of their evenings’ routine.
It is 7:00 p.m. Dave drives the car into the garage. He is finally home after a long day at work. Diane is in the kitchen talking on the phone with a friend. The children are upstairs watching TV. Dave steps into the house and, as if he were invisible, walks by Diane without either of them saying a word to each other. She is so engrossed in her phone conversation that she hardly notices him. Dave goes upstairs to put his briefcase away and to change. On the way up, he pokes his head into the room where the children are. He does not say anything, and they continue watching TV without acknowledging his presence.
Diane and the children have already had dinner, so Dave goes to the kitchen, where his dinner is warming on the stove. Diane is still engrossed in her phone conversation. He takes his plate to the living room, turns the TV on, and watches whatever program is on while he eats by himself. He ends up falling asleep in his chair. Later he tells Diane, who is now busy on her computer, that he is tired, and he goes to bed.
What is wrong with the couple in the story above?
How would you advise them?
What will you do to avoid becoming invisible to each other?
Communication Tool
Sharing Meals
Teri: Family Meals
When John and I were first married, we often found ourselves eating dinner while watching TV and not always sitting at the table. Before our first daughter was born, we agreed that every night we would have dinner together at the table as a family, and the television would be turned off. Eating meals together was not always easy. We had to adjust our dinnertime to work around John’s evening counseling sessions and the girls’ after-school
activities. We were committed to our plan and found creative ways to make sure we had a family meal, even if it meant having
it as early as 4:00 in the afternoon. We were determined to make this family time our priority.
There were days when our meal was the only time that we were all together that day. Sitting at the table for dinner became an opportunity to pray together, to share a meal, and to talk about our daily activities. Like most siblings, our girls fought a lot, but that never happened at the table. If one of them had a problem at school, the other would sympathize and offer advice. Table conversations became teachable moments for all of us.
It felt good to have those daily moments when we were all together. It was also important to stay at the table together even in difficult moments. I remember the day John was downsized by his company. Our oldest daughter was away at college, and our younger daughter was in high school. John came home early that day, and we were all devastated by the news. I made dinner, and the three of us sat down in silence to eat. I was not hungry and was holding back tears. I wanted to run to our bedroom and cry, but I stayed at the table because my family needed me to be there. Today I treasure the moments when our daughters come home and, with our son-in-law and grandson, we sit at the table for a meal together. Eating together is a wonderful way to stay connected and to share our daily experiences. They are opportunities for “quality time.” There are many findings from recent research that point to the benefits of eating together as a couple and as a family. Nancy Gibbs, in an article published by TIME/CNN, describes what happens around the dinner table with these words, “This is where the tribe comes to transmit wisdom, embedded expectations, confess, conspire, forgive, and repair.” Robin Fox, an anthropologist who teaches at Rutgers University, says that family dinners engrave our souls: “A meal is about civilizing children. It is about teaching them to be a member of their culture.”
Develop the habit of eating together as often as possible, and turn the TV and other devices that may distract you off. Do it for your own benefit and for the benefit of your children. You will find that family meals are great opportunities for connecting with each other, helping each other, learning from each other, and sharing your faith with each other. Much good can come from eating together.
Did your family eat dinner together when you were growing up?
Do you plan to eat at least one meal a day together when you are married?
Prayer Tool
Giving Thanks
In prayer, we turn to God to express our gratitude and also to ask for his help. In his letter to the Christians of Ephesus, St. Paul asked them to pray at every opportunity (Eph 6:18). Our Catholic tradition encourages us to pray before meals. Prayer before meals reminds us that food is a gift from God. Eating is a time to give thanks to God and to remember those who have helped bring it to our table. Make it a habit to recite the traditional Catholic prayer before meals:
Bless us, oh Lord,
and these your gifts,
which we are about to receive,
from your bounty,
through Christ, Our Lord. Amen.
Did you pray before meals in your home when you were growing up?
What forms of prayers are most comfortable to you?
What prayer traditions or habits do you want in include in your marriage?
This excerpt from The Joined by Grace Couple’s Book is reprinted with permission of Ave Maria Press.
John Bosio is a former marriage and family therapist, director of religious education, and diocesan family life coordinator. He and his wife, Teri, wrote Joined by Grace, a marriage preparation program from Ave Maria Press.
