You welcome and accept your spouse as Jesus welcomes you when you embrace him or her as a precious gift. Between 1979 and 1984 St. John Paul II gave a series of talks on the dignity of the human person and marriage. These lectures became known as the Theology of the Body. Then pope, John Paul taught that God gave Eve to Adam and Adam to Eve as a gift. He made each for the other. You are made for each other, and in marriage you give your spouse the gift that you are. In your mutual self-giving and receiving, you affirm one another as a man and as a woman and you grow closer together.
When leading retreats for married couples, we often ask, “How is your spouse a gift from God to you?” Here are some of the answers we have heard: “We are thankful that God made us as a matching set. We complement each other.” “I am a strong introvert, and she can break through my shell. She is a godsend.” “She helps me stay focused. I tend to put things off and things don’t get done.” “He provides the balance that I sometimes lack.” “She is a great friend.” “His unconditional love has been a gift during our cancer journey.”
It is important to always remember what we like and appreciate about our spouses. John Gottman writes in the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, “The better in touch you are with your deep-seated positive feelings for each other, the less likely you are to act contemptuous of your spouse when you have a difference of opinion.”
What personality traits of your spouse/fiancé do you especially like? What traits or habits of your spouse/fiancé do you find least attractive or annoying and why? How is your fiancé a gift of God to you?
We Are Different, Imperfect, and Gifts to Each Other
In August 2013 Pope Francis tweeted, “We are all jars of clay, fragile and poor, yet we carry within us an immense treasure.” The idea of sharing with each other the immense treasure that we are—the idea of accepting and giving ourselves to one another out of love—sounds very romantic and inspiring. In reality, however, accepting our spouses as gifts is challenging because with the gift come imperfections, shortcomings, and differences. At times these differences complement one another, but at other times our unique traits, expectations, preferences, and imperfections clash and cause misunderstandings and painful conflicts.
When we married we brought together two unique and diverse cultures. One of us was born in a small town in northern Italy, and the other is an American of French and Irish descent whose family roots are in Louisiana. John is the son of a farmer turned factory worker, and Teri is the daughter of an Air Force officer turned corporate leader. John came to this country alone with very little money. Teri, on the other hand, was used to the comfort of a large family. In the early months of our marriage we came face-to-face with the conflicts created by our different cultural backgrounds.
Teri: Beans and Rice
One evening I decided to make one of my favorite meals, beans and rice. This comes right out of my family’s Louisiana roots, and I couldn’t wait to share it with John. I served the meal and eagerly watched for John’s reaction, which I just knew was going to be positive. After we finished saying the blessing, John looked at his plate with a puzzled expression and asked: “Where is the meat?” “There is no meat,” I explained as a matter of fact. “This is how we make it.” “This is it?” John asked, clearly upset. “What kind of dinner is this? Beans and rice? Are we poor?” he asked. Beans and rice was one of my favorite childhood meals, and to John it was an inadequate dinner. I thought he was being rude, and I was crushed. When John realized how hurt I felt, he of course apologized.
According to John Gottman, politeness is one of the first things to go in marriage. This happens quite naturally as couples grow more comfortable with one another, but it can also lead to taking each other for granted and to rudeness. The fact is that we are all different. We have to learn to live with that and, when possible, turn our differences into assets. We know couples where one spouse enjoys being around people and the other prefers to stay home. One is carefree with spending money; the other is a saver and a penny-pincher. One likes to plan and follow a schedule, while the other is easygoing and spontaneous.
One responds to life’s events with cool and steady logic; the other reacts emotionally. One likes pets; the other does not. You cannot escape these kinds of differences. But it is important to recognize them, discuss how you feel about your own differences, and then agree on how you can accommodate each other’s needs, preferences, and idiosyncrasies. Gottman writes, “If you can accommodate each other’s strange side and handle it with caring, affection, and respect, your marriage can thrive.”3 Pope Francis reminds us, “Love always has an aspect of deep compassion that leads to accepting the other person—even when he or she acts differently than I would like” (The Joy of Love, 92).
Many couples use tools such as the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator or the Keirsey Temperament Sorter to better understand each other’s personality types, aptitudes, and preferences in how each perceives the world and makes decisions. These can be very helpful, and we encourage you to look into such a tool if you haven’t already done so.
In what ways do you and your spouse/fiancé complement each other in your differences? Which preferences of yours might clash with those of your spouse/fiancé in the future? Which of your differences can become an asset? How?
Self-Acceptance
You enter marriage not just to receive love and affection but to give love. For this reciprocal exchange to be satisfying to both, each of you needs to believe that you are worthy of the gift you receive and that you have something valuable to give to your beloved. This is especially important when you come face-to-face with your differences and have conflicts. There are times in a relationship when it is necessary to rock the boat a little: to disagree, to stand up for what you believe, to challenge each other, or to ask for respect. The book of Proverbs teaches us: “Iron sharpens iron, and one person sharpens . . . another” (Prv 27:17). In marriage, spouses sharpen each other, helping each other grow. But this sharpening cannot happen if you do not have confidence in yourself, if you are afraid to question or challenge your spouse’s actions or words, or if you do not have the courage to disagree.
If you find that you avoid conflicts at any cost even to the point of being uncomfortable, know that this is not healthy. Seek the assistance of your pastor or a spiritual director, therapist, or another professional that can help you. Do it for your own happiness and for your marriage.
How are you a gift to your spouse/fiancé? What strengths do you bring to this relationship? How comfortable are you in telling your spouse/fiancé that you disagree?
Common Obstacles to Accepting One Another
Assuming Rather Than Asking
Acceptance is the foundation of love. However, acceptance is not always easy in married life because it requires giving up some of your ways and adjusting to your spouse’s ways of doing things, personal preferences, and habits. Welcoming and accepting your spouse requires your attention every single day. At times you may be tempted to try to change your spouse rather than welcoming differences or accepting
his or her way of doing things.
John: She Gave My Clothes to Goodwill!
We had been married less than six months, and our life was wonderful. One evening I came home from work and went to the bedroom to change. I opened the closet door to get my favorite wear-around-the-house pants and shirt and was surprised to find that the outfit I was looking for was not there. I also noticed that other clothes were missing.
Finally, I called to Teri. She came into the bedroom with a big smile. “Guess what!” she said. “This evening we are going
shopping for you.” “Where are my clothes?” I asked with a perturbed voice. “We’re getting you new ones!” she replied with a smile.
I said, “I agree—I need new clothes. But where are my clothes?”
“I gave them to Goodwill . . .”
I was deeply hurt because something that was part of my life had been taken away without my consent. I was angry and protested: “Those were my clothes. You had no right to give them away without my agreeing to it.”
Although Teri’s actions were well-intended, the hurt we felt forced us to discuss and define our personal boundaries.
Holding On to Unrealistic Expectations
You are likely to encounter unmet expectations in the first months and even years of your marriage. Nearly everyone does. In her article “Expecting a ‘You Complete Me’ Kind of Marriage,” bestselling author Alexandra Kuykendall writes about how we bring to the altar many expectations. You are probably aware of some of these now, but others will only surface after you are married for a while. Kuykendall admits that she felt let down after her wedding. A year later she realized that she had expectations of her husband that “no human could fulfill.” Her husband could not heal her childhood wounds rooted in growing up without her father around. She writes, “During my epiphany moment I realized I’d expected my husband to fill the holes left by my father— holes of insecurity, disappointment, and mistrust.” Because of her faith she learned to turn to God for her own personal healing rather than expect her husband to fill her holes.
To be happy in marriage, we need first to fill our own holes. Start
by asking yourself:
Do I expect my future spouse to
• like what I like and want what I want?
• agree with me on everything?
• change his or her behaviors at my urging?
• carry out the roles of husband and wife that I learned growing up?
• know how I feel?
• read my mind?
Do I expect that
• all my problems will go away once we are married?
• married life will always be good?
• our feelings of love for each other will help us avoid conflict?
• I don’t need to change myself to accommodate my future spouse?
• I will continue some of the habits I developed while single even if
they are not compatible with married life?
Are these obstacles in my way?
• I’m so insecure that I do not speak up and tell my spouse when I do
not agree or approve of what he or she says or plans to do.
• I allow myself to grow angry and resentful without telling my spouse
how I feel.
This excerpt from The Joined by Grace Couple’s Book is reprinted with permission of Ave Maria Press.
John Bosio is a former marriage and family therapist, director of religious education, and diocesan family life coordinator. He and his wife, Teri, wrote Joined by Grace, a marriage preparation program from Ave Maria Press.
