Anger, resentment, and violent behaviors are all obstacles to reconciliation, and their presence destroys a marriage. There are other obstacles that are less explosive but just as deadly to the relationship because they foster an attitude of hostility. Researchers at the Seattle Marital and Family Institute have identified four types of behaviors that hurt relationships. They are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Gottman’s research team calls these the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” because they are the harbingers of death to the marital relationship.
The Four Horsemen
The first of the Four Horsemen is criticism. Criticism is blaming one’s spouse for something that has happened. There is a difference between criticism and complaining. A complaint is often a disagreement that can be stated in a respectful manner. We can express our opinion or feelings in a way that is not intended to hurt. Criticism, instead, contains the sting of condemnation that provokes the spouse, such as, “You never listen to me!” or, “You always make us late!” Criticism contains blame.
The more habitual criticism becomes, the more likely it is that this horseman will invite the second one into your relationship: contempt. Contempt happens when a spouse insults the other, knowing that this will cause pain to that person. For example, a spouse may say to the other with a sarcastic tone, “How stupid are you?” or, “Only an idiot would do such a thing!” or, “That’s a dumb question!” Contempt is a form of abuse. Contempt can include name-calling, sarcastic remarks, verbal put-downs, rolling of the eyes, and gestures intended to demean the other person.
When contempt is present, defensiveness, the third horseman, follows closely behind. In fact, defensiveness is what the spouse who is hurt may use as a counterattack to contemptuous remarks or criticism.
Then, as the mutual attacks escalate, one of the spouses is likely to start stonewalling. Stonewalling comes on the scene when one person intentionally chooses to ignore anything the other says or does. This is commonly known as “the silent treatment.” This behavior sends a message to the other that states, “Whatever you are saying is not worth listening to or responding to! You are insignificant to me!”
When the Four Horsemen get settled in the relationship, they erode the bond and destroy anything positive that exists in the marriage. Some of these horsemen are likely to make an appearance in any relationship. Hopefully, you will not let them settle into yours.
If you find yourself caught up in a negative cycle involving the Four Horsemen, or if it is difficult for you to let go of resentment and anger, consider contacting a trusted professional in your community who can help you.
In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus warns us about anger and name-calling and the importance of reconciliation: “But I say to you that if you are angry with a brother or sister, you will be liable to judgment; and . . . if you say, ‘You fool,’ will be liable to the hell of fire. So when you are offering your gift at the altar, if you remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother or sister, and then come and offer your gift” (Mt 5:22–24). This lesson is important for marriage; mercy and forgiveness are key.
- Have you experienced the effects of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling in your family as you were growing up?
- Have the Four Horsemen crept into your relationship with your fiancé?
- How will you keep the Four Horsemen out of your relationship?
Communication Tools
Addressing a Problem with Your Spouse, Not with Friends
I am certain that the two ladies sitting at a table near me in the story above did not realize that they were hurting their marriages through their conversation. They were both venting their real frustrations. The problem with venting our frustrations about our spouses to our friends is that it can turn into the habit of complaining and commiserating about the inadequacies of our mates.
If you are hurt or disappointed by your spouse’s behaviors, address your feelings and concerns directly with your spouse, and together seek a resolution acceptable to both of you. To do this, remember the skills you learned in chapter 3: Soft Start-Up, Repair Attempt, Take a Break, Find a Compromise, and Be Tolerant of Each Other’s Faults. Using these steps will pave the way for you to forgive your spouse.
Keep your negative feelings at home. Complaining to a friend about your spouse exposes others to your inadequacies as a couple, and it does not resolve the problems you have. On the contrary, it acerbates your situation because it reinforces in your mind negative thoughts about your mate and about your relationship. This can become a negative habit that turns normal frustrations that every couple experiences into the garbage that can gradually hide the treasure that is your marriage.
- Have you found yourself talking to friends or family members about some of your fiancé’s habits that cause you frustration or discomfort? What are these habits that bother you?
- If so, what will you do to address your feelings with your fiancé before the wedding?
Asking for Forgiveness
While we need to forgive, we also need to be ready to ask for forgiveness because none of us is perfect.
- Asking forgiveness begins with admitting our faults. It is best to say more than “I am sorry.” State what you did, admit it was a mistake, and express your sorrow. For example, you could say, “I realize that what I did was very insensitive. I am sorry for the hurt I caused you. Please forgive me.”
- Accept the consequences of your actions, and repair the damage done to the extent possible. Show that you are truly sorry with acts of kindness.
- Promise that to the best of your abilities you will not repeat the mistake.
- Be patient with your spouse. Healing from the hurt often takes time. Don’t tell your spouse who is still in pain to “get over it.”
Your admission of fault and your efforts to repair the damage build a bridge to forgiveness and reconciliation.
- How do you usually ask for forgiveness?
- How do you let your fiancé know that you have forgiven?
This excerpt from The Joined by Grace Couple’s Book is reprinted with permission of Ave Maria Press.
John Bosio is a former marriage and family therapist, director of religious education, and diocesan family life coordinator. He and his wife, Teri, wrote Joined by Grace, a marriage preparation program from Ave Maria Press.
