Love

This I command you: love one another.

—John 15:17

Although love is the most important fruit of the Holy Spirit, it’s also the least understood. If you put the word “love” in an internet search engine, the results will probably include the words “feeling,” “desire,” or “romance.” According to advertisers, we express love for others by buying expensive gifts. According to the media, celebrity couples fall in and out of love every day. We speak of loving everything from sports to chocolate cake.

In Matthew 22:36–39, Jesus tells us that the greatest commandment is to love God and the second greatest is to love our neighbor. This brings us to an important question—what exactly is love?

According to St. Thomas Aquinas, “To love is to will the good of another.” Contrary to what the world believes, love is not a feeling. While it is true that affection often accompanies love, that isn’t always the case—particularly when we are overwhelmed with other strong feelings, such as stress or anger. At those times, we can choose to love by making a conscious decision, without feeling anything. It is possible to grit your teeth and force yourself to love those who drive you crazy. But, as we will discuss shortly, we shouldn’t settle for loving in this way. For now, however, just remember that love is not a feeling. It is a decision.

To better understand the love referred to by St. Paul in his list of fruits, we should recall that his original manuscript was written in Greek. In the English language, we use the word “love” in a wide variety of situations. For example, I can love my dog, football, pizza, or my spouse. And, while we understand that the love in each of those expressions is different, we use the same word. In Greek, however, there are multiple words for love. (If you want to find out more about this, check out Pope Benedict XVI’s general audience of May 24, 2006, on the Vatican website, where he describes the difference between phileo, or friendship, and agape, or self-sacrificial love.)

“Agape,” which refers to the highest form of love, is the word St. Paul uses in his list of fruits of the Holy Spirit. Jesus used the same word in describing the Father’s love for him and his love for us (Jn 15:9). It is an extremely powerful word.

LEARNING TO LOVE LIKE JESUS

Let’s unpack one of the most challenging passages in the entire Bible. These two verses sum up what it means to be a Christian: “This is my commandment: love one another as I love you. No one has greater love than this, to lay down one’s life for one’s friends” (Jn 15:12–13).

Jesus uses the word “love” three times in this passage. Can you guess what Greek word appears in the original manuscript? I’ll give you a hint. He uses the same word each time. Yep. When the Lord commands us to love one another, when he speaks of the love he has for us, and when he describes the greatest act of love, he uses the word “agape.”

Take note that this isn’t just a suggestion. It’s a commandment. Jesus commands us to love others with the same self-sacrificial love that he has for us. And you don’t need me to tell you that he gave up his life for us. Jesus means business! He said what he meant, and he meant what he said.

Does the thought of loving like that—to the point of willingly giving up your life for someone else—shake you up a little? Wait a minute, you might say. Loving like that sounds humanly impossible. I totally agree. Loving like that is humanly impossible. That’s why Jesus sent the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with divine love! “God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us” (Rom 5:5).

With the help of the Holy Spirit, you have the power to love with a pure, self-sacrificial love. And I’m not just talking about loving those who are nice to you. With the Spirit’s help, it’s possible for you to love even your enemies with an agape love. Remember our discussion about giving the Holy Spirit permission to work in your life? If you let yourself become docile to the Spirit, you can put this type of love into practice. Even though it seems unimaginable, you have within you all you need to love your enemies with a pure and self-sacrificial love.

A personal example comes to mind. Earlier, I touched on the story of getting dumped by my girlfriend in college. It was a very traumatic experience for me. As she delivered the news, she rattled off many reasons for the breakup. Apparently, I had been on “probation” for a long time and didn’t realize it. By the time she told me, my window for improving had already closed. Her mind was made up.

Once I got past the shock and hurt, I was overcome by anger. To make matters worse, I soon discovered that she was dating a friend of mine (and a fellow member of the parish music ministry!). I fully expected her to come to her senses and come back to me, but it never happened. Several months

later, they became engaged. Now, because we were all members of the same music ministry, I was invited to the wedding. I was still hurt and angry, but I felt (Holy Spirit?) that I should go. I drove to the wedding with my friend Ray and his girlfriend. Believe it or not, I was filled with peace during the ceremony. I guarantee that this peace did not come from me. That was the Holy Spirit in action!

The same Spirit who allowed Jesus to give up his life for those he loved comes to live in us when we are baptized. We receive not a cheap imitation or a partial version but the one and only Holy Spirit who guided the Lord. Why, then, is it so easy for us to post nasty comments on social media, engage in gossip, use foul language, and scream at family members and coworkers? Jesus didn’t behave like that. He may have spoken firmly at times, but everything he said and did was motivated by love. Why is it different for us? The Holy Spirit waits for permission to act in our lives. It’s up to us to invite him to move in our lives. When we pray “Come, Holy Spirit,” we stir up the Spirit of Jesus and let him go to work.

HOLY SPIRIT, LEAD US TO LOVE

How about if you’re praying “Come, Holy Spirit” and still manage to fly off the handle on a regular basis? My initial recommendation would be to ask more frequently. It takes two seconds to pray, “Come, Holy Spirit,” and there are 86,400 seconds in a day. Subtracting 28,800 seconds (eight hours) for sleep leaves us with 57,600 seconds. That gives us the opportunity for 28,800 “Come, Holy Spirits” per day! Now, that’s not practical or even possible for most of us, but we can build up those invitations gradually, especially in moments when we feel agitated, irritated, or angry. As we reach out for divine help, each of those temptations becomes an occasion of grace. How? Each time we invite the Holy Spirit to come alive, he responds.

In addition to using this prayer when you are troubled, it’s a good idea to get into the habit of praying this prayer at regular intervals: when you wake up, on the way to the office, before responding to emails, when you’re about to deal with someone who “pushes your buttons.” Every minute of every day provides a new opportunity to invoke the Holy Spirit. Do it!

Inviting the Holy Spirit to come alive is incredibly effective and important, but it’s still not enough. We must also respond to his promptings. Because of free will, the final decision to obey the Holy Spirit rests with us. When we ask for his help, he will advise us (mainly through thoughts or feelings)  to refrain from posting that offensive comment on Facebook or telling our coworker what we really think, but he won’t force us to love someone. He will certainly make it easier, but he won’t compel us to act against our will.

Sooner or later, we all have to deal with someone who just seems unlovable. It may be the loud neighbor with body odor, the know-it-all at the office, the “holier-than-thou” person at daily Mass, or even a close friend or relative who seems perpetually embroiled in some personal drama (often of their own making). We all know at least one person like that. Let’s call him Joe Annoying. I can force myself to obey Jesus and follow the prompting of the Holy Spirit, but that will only get me so far. Eventually, I’m bound to have a bad day and refuse to love Joe. Before I know it, I’m yelling at Joe or secretly hoping that something bad happens to him. I might be so annoyed that I remove him from my prayer list or just happen to “forget” about praying for him. This happens when our hearts become hardened.

Our fallen human nature makes us tend to be selfish and uncaring. It sometimes feels like we can’t control our actions. Even though we know what we should do, we end up doing the opposite. “I know that Jesus wants me to love Joe, but I don’t feel like it. I just don’t have it in me today. He’s too annoying!” St. Paul describes this dilemma in his letter to the Romans:

What I do, I do not understand. For I do not

do what I want, but I do what I hate. Now if I

do what I do not want, I concur that the law is

good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin

that dwells in me. For I know that good does not

dwell in me, that is, in my flesh. The willing is

ready at hand, but doing the good is not. For I

do not do the good I want, but I do the evil I do

not want. Now if I do what I do not want, it is

no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me.

(Rom 7:15–20)

LOVING THE UNLOVABLE

Fortunately, there is something we can do about this. In addition to praying and following the prompting of the Holy Spirit, we can bear certain things in mind as we try to love the Joe Annoyings out there. It requires work, but it’s worth it. Focusing on the following truths will make it easier to overcome your feelings and love Joe with an agape love, even when you’d rather slap him!

• We are all children of God. Joe Annoying is God’s precious child. The Lord loves him with an unconditional love and sent his Son to die on the Cross for him. God designed and created Joe because the universe wasn’t complete without him. Refusing to love Joe deeply grieves the Lord.
• Joe Annoying is created in God’s image and likeness. No matter how hard it can be to fathom, every human being is created in the image and likeness of God. The terrorist, the serial killer, the child molester, even Joe Annoying! important fact. Failing to grasp this truth can lead to hardness of heart, bitterness, and hatred.
• Joe Annoying has good qualities. This one is particularly important for the Joes we must encounter on a regular, unavoidable basis. Everyone has good qualities, even if you have to dig a bit to find them. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you. Maybe you’ll end up admiring Joe’s passion or persistence. You might discover that he cares deeply about his mother or a particular cause. If you try hard enough, you will find something. When you do, praise God for Joe’s unique gift(s). I know, I know. You don’t have to feel it. Just do it! Feelings often follow actions.
• Joe deserves the benefit of the doubt. It’s easy to automatically consign bad intentions to those we dislike. However, we really have no idea what’s going on in Joe’s head. Maybe he’s having a bad day, or a bad year, or even a bad life. It’s possible that he craves attention or has a serious self-esteem problem. Who knows? Give him the benefit of the doubt.
• Joe may be in your life for a reason. Are you ready for this? God put Joe Annoying in your life to help you get to heaven. Crazy, right? Because God wants to purify us and prepare us for heaven, he sends people like Joe into our lives. Sometimes referred to as “saint makers,” these individuals give us an opportunity to practice virtue. Joe was placed in your life to teach you to love unconditionally. Thank God for the gift of Joe. He is helping you to heaven!
• You are somebody’s Joe Annoying. As hard as it may be to accept, it is very possible that you are as annoying to someone in your life as Joe is annoying to you. Remembering this will help you to look at Joe differently. It might also inspire you to examine your other relationships, to see if there is something you need to change!
• You don’t have to like Joe. Just because the Lord commands us to love one another doesn’t mean that we have to become buddies with everyone. Sometimes the best way to love Joe Annoying is to pray for him from a distance. There are some people for whom we have a natural aversion. No matter how much I try, I will probably never become best friends with Joe. That’s okay. In no way does it stop me from loving him with an agape love. I may end up really liking Joe at some point, but I shouldn’t force it. The Holy Spirit generally softens our hearts gradually.

With the help of the Holy Spirit and the desire to cooperate with his grace, it is possible for us to love everyone with a selfless and unconditional love. We will fail at times but we should keep trying. The Lord doesn’t expect us to be perfect, but he does expect us to try.

REMEMBER

1. Love is not a feeling. It is a conscious decision.
2. According to St. Thomas Aquinas, “To love is to will the good of another.”
3. Jesus commands us to love with an agape (self-sacrificial) love.
4. If we ask, the Holy Spirit will help us to love as Jesus loves.
5. Sometimes God brings people into our lives who rub us the wrong way . . . to help polish us and equip us for heaven. Thank God for your “Joe Annoying”!

REFLECT

1. Do you struggle to love your enemies (or those who annoy you)?
2. Who is the Joe Annoying in your life? Try to identify two of his good qualities. (Ask the Holy Spirit to help.)
3. Do you pray for the annoying people in your life? Has it changed your feelings for them?
4. How often do you give others the benefit of the doubt?
5. Think of the most offensive person imaginable. It could be someone you know or someone in the news who has committed a terrible crime. Are you willing to pray for them? If so, do it. If not, why not?

RESPOND

Think of someone who drives you crazy or has hurt you, and ask God to bless them today.

LET’S PRAY

Lord Jesus, you and I both know that I don’t have what it takes to love my enemies. I am much too self-centered and weak. Through the power of your Holy Spirit, however, I know it is possible. Please activate this power in me and enable me to love as you love. I ask this through the intercession of your Blessed Mother, Mary. Amen.

This excerpt from Let Go of Anger and Stress! Be Transformed by the Fruits of the Holy Spirit is reprinted with permission of Ave Maria Press.