It’s the beginning of a new year and many of us, moved by good intentions, make new year’s resolutions. This is an opportunity to introduce positive changes in our lives. Many of our resolutions are about changing one of our habits. Our life seems to be defined by them. Aristotle, the Greek philosopher, wrote, “We are what we repeatedly do.”
Unfortunately, as we know from experience, our good intentions do not often produce the results we want because our habits are stronger than our good intentions. George Santayana, a philosopher and novelist wrote, “A habit is stronger than reason.” Our habits are shortcuts that our brains create to make life easier. Our habits give us routines that we follow without much thought. Because of this, changing our habits is difficult. Our brain resists such change. If we are serious about changing a habit, we need to outsmart our brain. We need to be strategic on how we implement our new year’s resolution.
Psychologists tell us that to change a habit we need to replace what we do with a different routine. They have discovered that every habit has three components: a cue (or a trigger for a behavior to start), a routine (the behavior itself), and a reward. The most effective way to modify a habit is to change the routine, they report.
I once had a coworker who made a long commute each day and was in the habit of spending his drive time on his cell phone. When he became aware of the dangerous distraction that the phone was creating, he decided to change his routine while driving. Whenever he got in the car, to avoid the temptation to use the phone, he would lock his cell phone in the trunk of the car. He changed his routine and changed the habit.
All of us have poor habits in our daily interactions with our spouse that we may wish to change. For example, We do not pay full attention when our spouse speaks. We check our text and e-mail messages during a meal with our spouse and family. We express our disagreement with a sarcastic remark or gesture. We respond defensively when our spouse makes a suggestion, and other similar behaviors.
On the other hand, there may be positive habits that we want to introduce into our relationship. In the Joy of Love, Pope Francis encourages couples to develop routines that strengthen their relationship. “These could include a morning kiss, an evening blessing, waiting at the door to welcome each other home, taking trips together, and sharing household chores,” he suggested. (#226)
What do you want to change this year to make your marriage better? Think of something very small and easy to do. The simpler the behavior, the easier it is to change. Here are some steps for you to consider:
1. Change always begins with “me,” so pray to the Holy Spirit to guide you and to give you the courage to take the first step. Don’t wait for your spouse to change. Resolve to act.
2. With the help of the Holy Spirit, identify a small behavior that you want to eliminate or one that you want to introduce. For example, start the habit of kissing your spouse good morning each day or stop the habit of interrupting your spouse whenever he or she is speaking. Instead, when you feel the urge to interrupt, take a deep breath and continue listening.
3. Repeat the new behavior every time the situation occurs. Do not feel discouraged if, at times, you fail. Ask the Holy Spirit to give you the courage to be persistent. Soon a new habit will be formed.
When I was in junior high school in Italy and studied Latin, I learned an expression written by the Roman poet Ovid, “Gutta cavat lapidem.” It literally it means: “The drop hollows the rock.” A small drop of water wears out the stone, not by force, but by repeated persistence. The behaviors done repeatedly shape our life, as Aristotle wrote, “We are what we repeatedly do.”
Question for reflection: Is there one habit that you wish to change or a new one that you want to start this year?
John Bosio is a former marriage and family therapist, director of religious education, and diocesan family life coordinator. He and his wife, Teri, wrote Joined by Grace, a marriage preparation program from Ave Maria Press.
