5. Take Breaks, Early and Often
As we mentioned above, everyone knows the importance of taking breaks, but almost everyone takes them too late, resulting in scenes where, at about an 8, one spouse proclaims, “I’m not talking about this anymore. I’m done!” and the other responds, “Like hell you are!”and then they follow each other around from room to room trying to, loudly, not have the conversation.
In order to work, a break must be taken much earlier, say at around a 7. At this stage, breaks are brief moments when one spouse or another steps away from the discussion to collect themselves so that they can shortly return to and continue with the conversation.
For instance, let’s say that you’re feeling as if you or your spouse is at the 7 on the emotional temperature scale. To take a break you might say, “I’m sorry, my throat is really dry. Do you mind if I grab a drink? Can I get you something while I’m in the kitchen?” Or even, “I’m sorry, I need to use the bathroom. I promise I’ll be right back.”
While you’re out of the room, use the next five minutes or so to calm down, offer a brief prayer asking God for wisdom, and ask yourself what you need to say or do when you go back to your spouse to refocus the conversation. Returning with a new possible solution or with a statement that reassures your spouse that you really are on their side is always a good place to start if you are stuck.
As for those “breaks” that occur at an 8 or higher, they aren’t breaks so much as breakdowns. If your conversation gets to an 8 or higher, it is best to stop the discussion altogether, go to your separate corners for several hours if possible, pray, and then return once you are calm enough to discuss the new possible solutions you’ve identified while you were apart.
6. Always Return to the Scene of the Crime
This habit is really important because, having allowed an argument to get over an 8, many couples would rather let things blow over and then pretend nothing ever happened. These spouses can be savagely attacking
each other and then several hours later start chatting about what’s for dinner. Although all seems normal on the outside, chances are the couple’s blood pressure and stress-hormone levels are still quite high. Nothing has
been resolved. They’re just not going to talk about it.
The problem with this is that couples who do this never learn from their mistakes. They just pretend that whatever they argued about is never going to come up again, until it does, and then they’re just as surprised as ever. Never underestimate your ability to be surprised by the same damn thing happening all over again.
The only way to defeat “deja vu all over again” syndrome is to intentionally return to the discussion when you are both calm again. But when you do, don’t lead with more emotions. Instead, say something such as, “Listen, I was really upset when you did X, but that didn’t give me the right to say (do) Y. I was thinking, if I had to do it over again, I might like to handle it Z.
Would that be better for you?”
Feel free to use your own words as long as, when you return to the discussion, you are not revisiting who did what to whom and how angry you are about it. As we said before, your feelings are God’s gift to you, not your spouse. Use your feelings to motivate you to identify the problem, seek God’s wisdom, and then propose some possible solutions. If you can’t think of what to do, tell your spouse that you’d like to sit down together and figure something out. Or seek professional assistance—especially if returning to a discussion consistently results in your just having the same argument again and again.
This excerpt from Just Married The Catholic Guide to Surviving and Thriving in the First Five years of Marriage is reprinted with permission of Ave Maria Press.
