3. You Don’t Have to Agree on What “Really” Happened
The couples we talk to on our radio program and in our counseling practice often get hung up on the question,“How can we solve our problems if we can’t even agree on what happened?” These couples get stuck arguing so much about the details of who did what to whom and when and how that they never get around to solving the problem. Let us let you in on a little secret. It is a very rare instance, indeed, when any married couple—especially the best ones—actually agree on what “really” happened. Agreement about who was wrong and who was right and who started it and how happens once in a while, but it’s certainly not the norm. Take it as a gift if it happens, but don’t count on it.
The good news is that to solve a problem, you don’t actually have to agree on what happened, because it will probably never happen again exactly the same way. All you have to agree on is that neither one of you was pleased with how things went down and that you both would like to see things play out differently the next time. Then you can begin the conversation by simply saying, “The next time X happens why don’t we handle it this way instead of what we did last time?” The conversation can continue from this point, not with rehashing old wounds, but with kicking new possible solutions back and forth until you can agree on something that will work for both of you.
4. Watch Your Temperature
Almost everyone knows that it’s not a good idea to let your emotions run away with you. The problem is most of us are lousy at noticing our emotions are running away with us until we’ve already run that marathon and are collapsing, exhausted, in the middle of our wreckage. Smart couples know how to gauge their emotional temperatures and take action to get control of themselves before things get too hot. Imagine an “Emotional Temperature Scale” that runs from one to ten.
The breakdown would look like this:
10. Raging (physical abuse often ensues)
9. Fuming (yelling, name-calling, verbal abuse)
8. Furious (Accusatory Statements and Defensiveness)
7. Angry (time to take a break)
6. Stressed Out
5. Mildly Stressed
4. Calm and Focused
3. Relaxed Engagement
1–2. Total Relaxation
1–2. Total relaxation: You’re on a beach (metaphorically speaking) without a care in the world.
3. Flow: A state of relaxed engagement where you are caught up in the moment and hyperfocused on what you’re doing but still completely relaxed.
4. A really good, normal day: Even though there are some challenges, you are calm, focused, and relaxed. At a 4 you have the experience of remembering what you like about being you and doing the things youdo.
5. An average day: There are ups and downs, and you sometimes have to work a little harder than you might like to keep up with your stress, but overall, things are fine.
6. A stressful day or moment: You can be outwardly civil and solution focused, but inwardly, you’re struggling to pull it off. There is tension in the air between you and others, even if it is unexpressed (verbally). You’re still on top of things, but it’s now taking real effort to stay there. Stress chemicals (such as cortisol and adrenaline) are starting to flood your bloodstream and ramping up the very beginnings of your fight, flight, freeze-up response.
7. The outer limit of effective problem solving: At this stage, most people would deny to themselves and others that they were angry. This is the “I’m fine! What?” stage. At this level you can still problem solve, but if the person you are talking to does one more stupid thing (in your estimation), all bets are off. At this level, the cortisol and adrenaline have built up enough that the nonverbal filters in your brain (the filters that stop you from looking visibly annoyed at people) are starting to collapse. Eye rolling, heavy sighing, tsk-tsking, fidgeting, and nervous energy that needs to be expressed through cleaning, pacing, and other mildly obsessive acts start coming out at this stage. You do not ever want to exceed this stage in any conversation. This is when you need to take a break. Any later is going to be too late.
8. The first time most of us are willing to admit (to ourselves or others) that we’re upset: At this point, the build-up of stress chemicals in your body has caused the nonverbal filters in your brain to completely collapse, and now the verbal filters are under assault. Your logical brain is literally beginning to shut down, and your emotional brain is beginning to take over. You might appear calm on the outside, but your heart rate is upward of 120 beats per minute (it’s around 80 at rest), and your body is experiencing many changes that will prevent you from being effective. You aren’t at the name-calling and yelling stage . . . yet. But you are at the stage where you have now stopped trying to solve the problem and started exclusively trying to figure out how to blame the other person for the problem (or get them to shut up and go away). This is the first outward sign your fight, flight, freeze-up response has been engaged. Most couples don’t even start a problem-solving conversation until they get to this level, and then they must discuss the issue—right now. A much better course of action would be to follow the “identify, pray, solve” process we outlined earlier.
9. The verbal filters in your brain have completely gone offline: You are yelling and screaming (or you have shut down and can’t think or talk). Name-calling and intentionally hurtful comments may be forthcoming. Abandon ship! Initiate emergency “must stop now”procedures!
10. Physical filters are falling: Doors are being slammed and objects thrown—Alternatively, if you tend more to flight than fight, you may be shutting down completely and, possibly, not wanting to speak for days until you can calm down again. At worst, arguments are becoming physical in some way. This is a catastrophic level that couples should never allow themselves to reach. Much damage can be done to a relationship that is not easy to heal without professional help.
The point of this scale is to help you see what behaviors are associated at each stage so that you can know when it is appropriate to initiate a conversation and when it is necessary to disengage no matter how much you feel as if you want to keep going. A good rule of thumb is never engage in a difficult conversation until you have gotten yourself down to at least a 6 or lower, because the conversation is probably going to raise your emotional temperature by at least two points. If you start at a 7 or higher, you have no place to go but crazy.
This excerpt from Just Married The Catholic Guide to Surviving and Thriving in the First Five years of Marriage is reprinted with permission of Ave Maria Press.
