Q: My husband and I had both lost our spouses when we married 10
years ago.
I keep wondering if he loves me the same or, hopefully, more than his deceased
wife. This has become an obsession for me.—RT
Greg Popcak: The feelings you describe are relatively common, but you’re focusing on the wrong question.
You have framed your problem in a way that is impossible to answer. That’s why you are becoming obsessed. We can never really get enough of what we don’t really want. For whatever reason, you feel insecure in your relationship with your husband, but rather than asking yourself what you need to do to improve your connection with him, you put yourself in the position of competing with a dead woman. How can you possibly win?
First, you need to check your assumptions about how love works. Love is not a natural resource that is depleted when it is shared with others. It is a spiritual resource that grows the more it is shared. Asking your husband who he loves more is both unfair and nonsensical. It’s unfair because chances are he loved her very much just like he loves you very much. You’re supposed to love the person you marry. That’s how marriage works! In fact, your husband would be a bad—or at least very sad—man if he didn’t love the person he married, then or now. I’m assuming you didn’t marry a bad man and that you wouldn’t wish sadness upon him.
Second, your question is nonsensical because, again, love isn’t a limited resource. You don’t love some people more or less. You love them differently. To love someone means to work for their good. Hopefully, if he is a good man, your husband was committed to working for his deceased wife’s wellbeing—of putting her good above his own—just as he is committed to working for your wellbeing and putting your good above his own now. Presumably, however, you and his deceased wife are different people who have different needs. Working for your good requires different things from your husband than working for his deceased wife’s good required. Obsessing over who he loves more is like wondering if apples are better than oranges and then becoming more and more aggravated that you can’t figure out the answer.
The question you should be asking is what would it take to close the gap you obviously feel exists between you and your husband? What needs for connection are not being met in your relationship? How can the two of you do a better job making both short- and long-term plans for meeting these needs?
We tend to feel envious of others, not because they have more but because we’re afraid we’re getting less. Knocking his deceased wife down in his eyes (or yours) isn’t going to make you feel any better about not getting enough time, affection understanding, compassion, affirmation, or whatever from your husband. If you want to stop being envious of her, ask yourself what you would need to feel fulfilled in your marriage and do more of that.
When you find yourself obsessing over your husband’s deceased wife, first I want you to literally pinch yourself and say “STOP.” Then I want you to ask yourself, “What would I need to do right now to feel closer to my husband today?” Then, I want you to put all your energy into making that happen.
If you are unable to answer that question, your husband is unwilling to respond to your efforts to address this need, or you continue to obsess about your husband’s deceased wife in spite of trying to refocus on what it would take to feel closer to the man you love, it is time to seek professional help, either for your obsessive thoughts, for your relationship, or both. To learn more about our Catholic tele-counseling services, visit us on line at CatholicCounselors.com
Dr. Greg Popcak is the author many books, the host of More2Life Radio, and the director of CatholicCounselors.com
