We spent the last chapter talking about the bad habits you need to avoid and reviewing the habits you need to cultivate instead. For instance, complaints (non-personal, non-accusatory statements about needs or concerns) are fine; criticisms (personal, antagonistic blaming statements) are not. Understanding and helpful statements can defeat defensiveness, and compassionate statements can overcome contempt. Knowing when you need help and having the humility to seek that help can make all the difference between becoming a marriage master or being a marriage disaster. And prayer, before and after conflict and especially during—both as an individual and as a couple—is critical to successful, godly,
marriage-building communication. Having reviewed some of the specific traps couples fall in, we’d like to offer seven additional tips to help you successfully resolve conflict.
1. Take Care of Each Other
Ironically, the most important thing about problem solving has nothing to do with actually solving the problem. The most important thing about resolving problems is a willingness and commitment to do whatever it takes to make your partner feel taken care of while you work together to solve the problem.
Think about it. What happens if you feel neglected, attacked, demeaned, or disregarded by your spouse? You get defensive. You stop listening. You return slight for slight. As mentioned before, research by the Gottman Institute shows that couples who handle conflict well maintain a 20:1 ratio of positive to negative inter- actions outside of conflict (e.g., doing thoughtful things for each other, smiling at each other, sharing affection, saying, “I love you,” etc., versus ignoring, taking each other for granted, picking on each other, “forgetting” or neglecting to do thoughtful things, etc.) and a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions while they are in conflict!
The last part of that statement sounds crazy to many couples. How do you manage to be positive and supportive during conflict? Can you never disagree? Obviously not. It’s just that couples who are good at problem solving know that the best way to get through a difficulty is to work with their partner to solve the problem instead of treating their partner as if he or she is the problem. Especially when a couple is discussing difficult topics, little things can go a long way.
Ratio Exercise
Circle the phrases that feel the most natural to you, and remember them for the next conflict between you and your spouse.
“Thanks for hanging in there with me.” “I really love you, you know.”
“I’m okay with taking a break if you need to think about it a little.”
“Can we just take a minute to pray about this?” “My throat’s a little dry. I’m going to the kitchen to get a drink. Can I get you something?”
“I know this is hard. I really appreciate your making the time to talk through this with me.”
“I’m really serious about finding some solution that will make us both happy.”
“I know there aren’t any easy answers to this one. What can I do to help you feel as if I’m on your side while we work all this out?”
“Why don’t we take a walk (or do some other activity) while we talk about this?” (Having an activity to focus on while discussing difficult topics can diffuse some of the tension and stop you from noticing and reacting to every eye roll or grimace your spouse makes.)
These are just a few examples. You should feel free to use this list as a springboard for your own creativity.
The point is that when we disagree with our spouse, it can be easy to get so caught up in what we want and how we feel that we behave as if only our agenda matters, and not our spouse. But when we are made to feel as if we don’t matter, we have a tendency to put up roadblocks to effective problem solving. The harder you work to make each other feel taken care of, even when you disagree, the quicker you will resolve your disagreements.
This excerpt from Just Married The Catholic Guide to Surviving and Thriving in the First Five years of Marriage is reprinted with permission of Ave Maria Press.
