By John Bosio
Is there really such thing as a “compatible” couple? Research suggests that all couples have unresolved issues, but that what is important is for spouses to keep the disagreements from dismantling the relationship.
Authors have excellent suggestions for keeping disagreements from tearing the marital relationship apart, such as:
- don’t let your arguments escalate into emotional earthquakes—take time to cool down;
- let your spouse speak their mind without interrupting; and
- stay on the topic and avoid dragging past events into the discussion.
However, as I read the books and articles that well-intended authors have written to counsel couples, I realize that no one is addressing the root cause of all marital discord. The reason we hurt each other is not so much that we are incompatible or because we do not know how to communicate, it is primarily because we give in to something our mother told us to avoid—SELFISHNESS.
Selfishness is choosing to do or to say what “I” want without any regard for its impact on my spouse or on our relationship. Selfishness is the attitude that prompts us to insult our spouse during a disagreement, to interrupt our spouse while he or she talks, to lie when we have strayed, to get even when we feel hurt, to ignore or to mislead our spouse, etc. Selfishness is the root cause of all marital failures.
The marital relationship is like a beautiful garden and selfishness is the ugly weed. If we let it grow unchecked, it chokes every flower in the garden. If we do not control it, selfishness—like the ugly weed—suffocates the affection that we have for each other. Then our relationship is threatened.
While it is important to learn skills for relating—communication, conflict resolution, sexual satisfaction, for example—what is most important is to learn to overcome our selfishness. The antidote to selfishness is Christian love, which is self-giving love. To overcome selfishness out of love, we must begin with self-control: We choose, out of love, to keep from interrupting our spouse, to truly listen, to give up something we desire to accommodate the wishes of our spouse, and so on. These are the little things that lead to marital happiness.
Question for reflection: Do you agree that the pains and discomfort you feel in your relationship are caused by selfish behaviors?
John Bosio is a former marriage and family therapist, director of religious education, and diocesan family life coordinator. He and his wife, Teri, wrote Joined by Grace, a marriage preparation program from Ave Maria Press.
