By Bob Schuchts
Just as there are vital signs for revealing the health of our physical bodies, there are key indicators marking the health of our marriage. These eight practices are ways of maintaining unity and intimacy for a thriving marriage. I encourage you to examine these vital signs in your own marriage. No matter what you find, it is a good way to start building a healthy marriage.
- How is your Spiritual Unity? This is the glue that holds your marriage together. God is love, so a marriage without God at the center is devoid of genuine love. Conversely, a marriage rooted and grounded in Christ can withstand almost any challenge. Does your relationship with God hold central place in your marriage? Is this evident in your daily life? Do you worship and pray together regularly?
- What is the quality of your Emotional Intimacy? Have you noticed when you feel emotionally connected with your spouse everything seems brighter? Conversely, have you observed how difficult it is to remain emotionally connected when you don’t feel safe with your spouse? Are you each creating a safe refuge for the other to share openly and vulnerably? Are you able to share both positive and negative feelings with each other respectfully?
- What activities and rituals build Daily Companionship? After my wife Margie passed away (after nearly 42 years of marriage) I realized how much I missed her daily presence. Whether working, playing, or just being together, companionship builds connection. Are you finding time to be together as a couple? Is it life-giving for both of you? What activities could you do together to improve this area of your marriage?
- Have you established Cooperative Teamwork with your spouse? This may be one of the most challenging aspects of marital unity, but it’s vital that couples work through their differences and learn how to submit themselves to God and each other for the common good. You are together to complete rather than compete with your spouse. How well do you work together and make decisions together? How well do you each submit your will to God’s will?
- Have you both experienced Sexual Fulfillment in your marriage? Do you both feel nurtured in your sexual intimacy? Meeting with hundreds of couples during my years as a marriage and family therapist, I realized that sexual fulfillment is often the fruit of the preceding four areas of unity. Have you invested first in building spiritual unity, emotional intimacy, daily companionship, and cooperative teamwork? Do you give freely and fully to one another in the bedroom? Or do you frequently feel used or neglected? Is your love faithful and fruitful?
- How do you negotiate and Understand Conflict? You have different backgrounds, different gifts, different temperaments. How you work through these conflicts will determine your unity and teamwork. How you treat each other in the midst of conflict is more important than the solution. Do you honor each other in your differences? Or do you coerce each other to change? Are you growing in understanding and mutual respect?
- Do you consistently work toward Healing Wounds? Every married couple has wounds that require healing. Some occur during marriage, but many have their origins in childhood family dynamics and previous relationships. Do you both acknowledge that you have brought heart wounds into your marriage? Have you realized how you continue to hurt each other? Are you devoted to healing your own and your spouse’s wounds? Only love will heal these wounds.
- Are you dedicated to Restoring Trust in your marriage when it has been damaged? Trust is the foundation of love. But when we hurt each other, our trust can be damaged, sometimes severely. Restoring trust requires humility on the part of each spouse. Are you consistently humble when you acknowledge areas where you have broken your spouse’s trust? Are you honest and gentle when addressing breaches of trust between you?
Take a minute now to review these eight vital signs. You may want to make a graph to scale each of these areas that are so crucial to your marital health. See where you are strong and where improvement is needed. Then ask God for his grace to help you build a thriving marriage. If you want to learn more, my book Be Devoted offers a practical guide for cultivating these eight areas in your marriage.
Bob Schuchts is the bestselling author of Be Healed and the founder of the John Paul II Healing Center in Tallahassee, Florida. He retired in 2014 after thirty-five years as a marriage and family therapist.
