After two decades of marriage, six kids (including a premature baby), one miscarriage, and a slew of “learning opportunities,” I’d say the mister and I have learned one critical lesson: we have SO much more to learn.
During the course of our marriage, our definitions of “busy” and “romance” have changed. But, there are some universal truths. Here are our best ten:
- Connect with one another. At the beginning of every morning, Scott makes it a point to pause to give me a hug and a lovely kiss before he heads out of the door for work. On the days he forgets, I run into the driveway in my pajamas because it’s just that important. At the end of the day, he does the same thing. I’m here to tell you that it’s the little things that break a marriage. Just as Casting Crowns so eloquently says, “It’s a slow fade, when you give yourself away.” Be present to your spouse and make an effort to connect in a tangible way every day. In the midst of sports practices, homework, cooking dinner, refereeing fights, and picking up the house, I need to feel loved and so does Scott. Don’t let the monotony of life creep its way into your marriage.
- Get thyself a calendar and use it. For us, it’s our smartphones. We schedule our dates. Yes, it’s a little business-like, but that also means it is really happening. Let’s be honest: if it’s written down I’m actually going to do it. My brain no longer functions well on its own. Sad, but true.
- Hire a babysitter, child swap with another couple, or employ your older kids. When our kids were really little I had my college-aged babysitter on speed dial. When money was tight, we asked family or friends to watch our kids. Now that we have a mix in ages, our older children watch the littles. Heaven! There are babysitting co-ops you can create and free (or discounted) nights of childcare at your church or the YMCA. Is family in town? Ask them to do the honors while you sneak out and enjoy some alone time. Trust me, as a mom of a preemie, I know how hard it is to walk away from your kids and trust that they’ll be OK in someone else’s hands. But if you neglect your marriage now, there won’t be anything to save later. In a stroke of “thank you, Jesus,” we were able to take a four-day getaway to Charleston. It was the first one following the premature birth of our son. Wow, did we need it.
- You don’t have to go out to go out. We don’t have unlimited funds around here, so we often stay in to go out. We’ll put the kids to bed early, cook a late dinner, light the candles, and use the good china for a lovely date at home. Maybe you’re a movie watcher—you can dive into Netflix and a bowl of popcorn. Perhaps sitting on the back porch with a cocktail and a big starry night is your reprieve. Plant some flowers together. Take a quick walk around the block. Get creative and make a spot in your home a new oasis.
- Put down the smartphones. Yes, I know I told you about their awesomeness above, but when you’re trying to spend time together they defeat the purpose. Put them away. We’ve been known to text one another from a room away and while we laugh about it, it’s a really horrible thing to get in the habit of doing.
- Compliment one another. Scott often walks in the door on Fridays, takes a glance at all the laundry piles, plants a kiss on my cheek and says “thank you for all you do for our family.” I cannot begin to tell you how much I look forward to him saying that. On the flip side, I know how hard he works to pay the bills and just how good he is at his job. And I tell him so. As the late Bishop Eugene Gerber in the Diocese of Wichita was famous for saying, “A grateful heart silences a complaining voice.” Think of how many arguments you could avert by reciting that little phrase. I could stand to say it more!
- Know your spouse’s love language. Gary Chapman wrote The Five Love Languages and it may just be the best book you’ll ever read for your marriage. In it, Chapman describes how every person feels loved in a different way: acts of service, physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation, and receiving gifts. Scott and I know each other’s language and when we speak it, it’s awesome.
- Build community and volunteer in the church community. Stewardship of any gift is important. In marriage, we’ve learned to surround ourselves with good and holy marriages. For us and for our kids. Not only does it model healthy families for our children, but it gives Scott and I a much-needed community of people to support us in our vocation as a married couple. We’ve also found it’s a good thing to volunteer for something, together.Scott has his own interests, as do I. However, there are some ministries we do together and boy, does it feed our own marriage.
- Pray together. How you pray together will change, but find a way that works for you. It doesn’t have to be an hour-long prayer vigil. This is the one we struggle with the most. Sometimes we have our acts together, but for every new season of parenting comes a new challenge in making time to pray together. It’s a work in progress.
- Have sex. No really. Contrary to what the mainstream media says, the Catholic Church has always been pro-sex, pro-marriage, and pro-life. Doing it in the context of Natural Family Planning (NFP), can be a beautiful thing. For many years, I thought the whole contraception teaching of the church was WAY off base. Now, I see its beauty. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, there are lots of days I want to throw in the towel. Yes, somedays it feels like a cross, not a blessing. But there is one universal fact I cannot deny: the wisdom of this teaching has transformed our marriage. There is shared responsibility in the size of our family and I feel like a woman who is respected by God and her husband.
Kathryn Whitaker is a sixth-generation Texan, Catholic blogger, speaker, freelance graphic designer, and author of Live Big, Love Bigger who shares what it’s like raising a raucous Catholic family on teamwhitaker.org.
