Self-giving Love: A Total Gift of Self

Sex is another one of those actions by which a husband and wife give themselves to one another completely. Sex differs from all other acts of love because God has created it to be a sharing of one’s entire self—body, mind, and spirit. As such, intercourse expresses not simply the love spouses have for one another, but also the sacramental union into which God has called them.

It is no coincidence that God also placed our fertility—our capacity to cooperate in the creation of a new human being—within the act of sexual union.

The love and commitment that is required to properly care for a child is a reflection of the love and commitment that burn with bright intensity in the sexual act. The total gift of self expressed in sex is the same gift required to change diapers in the middle of the night or take on extra responsibilities at work to provide for a child’s education or healthcare.

The Two Dimensions of Sexual Intimacy

Sexual intimacy has two important dimensions: it both unites a couple in a powerful, consuming way, and it cooperates with God’s creative power.

In fact, these two dimensions of sexuality depend mutually upon one another. To separate one of these dimensions from the other alters and falsifies the act, making it less than what God intended for us.

Sex without an intention to grow in unity is not a total gift of self—it is a taking of sorts. In this case, two people use each other as objects. What should be the most generous act becomes egocentric, and the action is fouled.

The same holds true if one withholds the possibility of new life from the sexual act. In that case, a couple is saying to one another, “I am one with you, and I give all of myself to you, except for my fertility.” This is a significant exception. It means that the couple is not willing to speak with their lives what their bodies are communicating.

A couple that is not open to new life in their sexual activity refuses to share with each other the possibility of a future with children, which is something less than the total gift of self that God intended with this action.

A Spirituality of Marriage

There is a spirituality of marriage embedded in this approach. Because God is love (1 John 4:16), a married couple’s love is a participation in the life of God. This is strikingly different than the way most of the world sees marriage and the very reason Catholics believe marriage is a sacrament.

Staying home to spend time with a spouse instead of golfing or shopping, or doing the laundry when it is not your turn, is more than a gift of self to one another—it is an opportunity for connection with God as well. These acts, and thus one’s connection to God and spouse, are in some sense a prayer, and the Church tells us that they are a sacramental sign of God’s love for all to see.

Much in today’s culture would have us believe that romantic love is about a couple consumed with one another. Certainly, a couple’s love is a deep bond, but that bond also connects them to the living God. Marriage is a three-dimensional experience. It is not about a couple gazing deeply into one another’s eyes, but rather a couple walking into the world together with sleeves rolled up, holding hands.

Church Teaching on Contraception

Because sex is the ultimate act of love in marriage, it is also the ultimate participation with God’s love. A couple who is unwilling to participate with God in the sexual act and so withholds their fertility from one another is declaring that God has no role in that part of their lives.

This is why the Church opposes contraception.

It introduces an artificial element that allows a couple to change what they are saying to one another with their bodies—it allows a couple to give everything to one another except their fertility. Contraception also impoverishes the sexual union to a two-dimensional act, closed to God’s participation.

Should a couple always want to have a child with every act of intercourse? Of course not.

There are legitimate reasons to limit family size, or to delay having children. Couples are called to be good stewards of all their resources—both personal and material—at the same time that they are called to have a generous view of love and new life.

Natural Family Planning

Couples need a reliable way to postpone or avoid pregnancy when they are not in a position to have a child. Leaving that part of their marriage open to unreflected chance would be irresponsible.

This is where Natural Family Planning (NFP) can be most helpful. NFP is a method by which a couple can determine fertile and infertile phases of a woman’s cycle with a high degree of certainty. The couple can then use that knowledge to choose to have sex only during infertile times if they want to avoid pregnancy.

NFP ensures the dignity of the marital act. It asks the couple to apply discipline and self-control to their sex lives, and rightly so. If a couple intends to purchase a house, they have to be disciplined with a budget and practice self-control with their spending.

If a couple intends to get in shape and lose weight together, they must practice discipline and self-control.

Sex, with its power to unite a couple and co-create new human life—is infinitely more powerful and important than these other endeavors. Shouldn’t we approach it with at least as much responsibility?

NFP preserves the marital language of love that a couple communicates to one another with their bodies and their lives. It enhances a couple’s union because it ensures that nothing artificial stands between their actions and intentions with one another. It enhances a couple’s openness to new life by reminding them with every sexual act that their love is a cooperation with and a visible sign of God, who is love.

Read more: An Introduction to Natural Family Planning (NFP)

(photo credit: esoterika)

When we were preparing to get married, we told our parents we would be practicing Natural Family Planning (NFP). Doubting the effectiveness of the method, Stacey’s mother made a good-natured, but serious bet with us that we would be pregnant within the first year—and the money that was on the line was not insignificant.

Collecting on the bet was the icing on a very happy first year of marriage. We used the money for a mini-vacation on the beach in Florida and celebrated our anniversary in style.

We began practicing NFP about six months before our marriage when we took classes and began to chart Stacey’s cycles. Josh’s role was to record the data and Stacey’s role was to, well, be Stacey.

Stacey learned to pay attention to the different signs of her fertility cycle. We were still seniors in college and felt more than a little awkward learning to communicate about such intimate details.

Josh was very invested in his responsibility and diligently asked each night what Stacey’s signs of fertility had been that day. For Josh, it was an eye-opening experience to learn the workings of the wonderful mystery that is Stacey’s body. He had basic health classes in high school, but really didn’t have a comprehensive, day-to-day understanding of exactly how a woman’s body works.

Stacey was not exactly exuberant to share the very personal information she needed to. But even in that discomfort, it was obvious that the process of learning to practice NFP was teaching us how to communicate about the most intimate and personal aspects of ourselves. It was a process of growing in unity and intimacy, even before marriage, and it is a pattern that NFP reinforces for us today.

An Extraordinary Event

Josh and Stacey

During our second year of marriage, we served together as Jesuit Volunteers in Sitka, Alaska. We lived in an intentional community with three others and felt so called to this type of life and work that by the end of the year we were preparing for an additional two-year stint in South Africa.

It was at this time that we learned we were pregnant with our first child. We were shocked—we had followed all of the rules carefully. In fact, when we shared our data with our instructor, she noted that we had done everything correctly, and that the pregnancy fell within the one-to-three percent margin of error. Basically, the pregnancy was an extraordinary event.

So there we were—pregnant, and living in Alaska as volunteers with just a toe over the poverty line. We immediately excused ourselves from our acceptance to join the international service program—it was clear that our lives had taken a different turn.

But that left the question: what next? Our current service term was due to expire in three months, and our calendars after the exit date were squeaky clean.

No plans.

Preparing for Parenthood

We came to the conclusion that Josh would seek a job near one set of parents, and that we would spend two years getting our feet under us financially and adjusting to our new family of three. Stacey would remain open to whatever part-time work she could find (and she did) but would primarily care for the new baby during that period of time.

That was the idea, but we had no idea how it all would work out. All we had to keep us from anxiety was the conviction that God was a part of this new life, and that God would see us through this time of growth for our family.

We had chosen NFP in order to responsibly participate with God’s creative power, not medicate it or control it. And that decision led us to the conviction that God would be faithful when our marriage welcomed a new life and our family began to grow—that we would not be alone in this transition, and somehow, everything would be okay.

Now, this is not to say that we threw ourselves solely upon the mercy of God and spent all of our time in church, praying for help, without doing our part. As much as we relied on God, we knew we were also called to be good stewards of our talents and resources. Josh cast a wide net, researching job opportunities anywhere near family, and things ended up working out. He got a job, we moved near family, settled in, and began a new phase of our family’s life.

In the end, we felt supported by God in the direction our lives were taking. Because we used NFP, we knew that this new child fit in to God’s plan for our lives, even though we had no idea how that would take shape. We felt like we were cooperating with God, not scrambling to make ends meet on our own, and that was a source of great comfort.

Postponing the Growth of Our Family

Towards the end of our two-year plan, we felt the call to further our professional lives and we both applied to graduate school to get masters degrees. During our time in school, we knew it would be far too challenging to grow the family, so we successfully used NFP to postpone having another child for three years.

At the end of our masters program, we discerned that we were again able to welcome new children and had two more, spaced sixteen months apart. Six years later, our family has not grown any further.

Through it all, NFP has invited us to repeatedly return to the question about family size. We repeatedly ask ourselves:

• Are we in a position to welcome another child?
• Why do we feel that way?
• Are these legitimate reasons?
• As we pay attention to the movements of our hearts, what might God be calling us to do?

These questions lead to fruitful conversation. They encourage us to integrate our lives with what we understand as God’s plan for our family, ensuring that we are communicating on a deep level with one another. They invite us to consider our resources—material as well as emotional—as gifts to be managed wisely. They move us away from fear and urge us to plan our lives around love, faithfulness, generosity, and wisdom.

We know couples for whom NFP has been a difficult choice to maintain. We cannot deny that it is a discipline that asks something of us, and that it is not always easy, yet we are convinced that it is a discipline worthy of the sacred gift of married love.

Many misunderstandings and disappointments that sometimes happen when you’re working with the church wedding coordinator, priest, or music director can be avoided if you just remember this key point:

Your wedding is first and foremost a church ritual that needs to follow the principles and rules of the official public rites of the Catholic Church, also called “liturgies.”

The church staff’s model for what your wedding should look like is not what you normally see on TV but what usually happens at Mass every Sunday. Remembering this point might save you a lot of headaches and time as you begin choosing the music for your Catholic wedding ceremony. (For other questions about Catholic weddings check out the article, “Getting Married in the Catholic Church FAQs.”)

3 Principles for Selecting Catholic Wedding Songs

There are three basic guidelines that music directors, wedding coordinators, and priests use regarding music for Catholic weddings. These guidelines are based on standard principles that govern how music is chosen in the Catholic Church throughout the world.

Your local diocese or parish may have other, more specific guidelines that you will want to know and follow, but these are the most common. If you keep these guidelines in mind as you’re thinking about music, your liturgy preparation will go much smoother.

1.  Catholic wedding music is music that everyone sings together.

The Church values singing together because the liturgy is meant to express the unity of all the people gathered. Singing together shows and strengthens that unity.

Think of it like the national anthem. Whether it’s sung by a professional singer alone or by everyone together, the song expresses our patriotism. Yet there’s a subtle difference depending on who is singing it. When it’s sung well by a soloist, it elicits deep emotion and we’re moved by the singer and the song. However, when everyone sings it together, the focus is no longer on one singer or even on the song but on the group and what the group is doing, and can do, together.

Group singing says that each of us is necessary and we’re all in this together. Your family and friends are there to support you. Let them express it by choosing music they can sing together.

2. Catholic wedding ceremony music is liturgical.

The music we use in church is different than what you hear on the radio because it is specifically written for Catholic liturgy, that is, it’s liturgical music. Not only does liturgical music have lyrics that fit the theme of the liturgy, but more importantly, liturgical music needs to fulfill the specified function of each part of the liturgy. Every liturgy has assigned words and actions that happen in a specific order. The music used during the liturgy must “serve the liturgy” so that the music fits the purpose, length, and assigned texts, if any, for each particular moment.

Your church staff can give you a full list of all the parts of your wedding liturgy, but here are some of the most important parts that call for music:

Processions

Opening Procession: Catholic Wedding Processional Songs

The opening procession sets the mood and begins the ceremony, but, liturgically, it’s also meant to unite us and remind us that God draws us together through the love of Christ and the love of the wedding couple. At Sunday Mass, everyone sings a song for the opening procession. That’s also the norm for the opening procession of a wedding.

However, recognizing that the procession is also a way to highlight the wedding party, some music directors and priests allow using instrumental music during the procession. So you can either have everyone sing together during the procession or conclude the procession with a song all sing as a way to refocus on God who gathers us. The lyrics for this gathering song should express our faith in Christ who unites us. (Read more: The Entrance Rite)

Communion Procession: Catholic Wedding Communion Songs

The Communion procession is similar in that its purpose is to express the unity of the assembly who come to the altar to share in Communion. The song during this procession should express our union in Christ who feeds us and nourishes us with his Body and Blood.

Closing Procession: Catholic Wedding Recessional Songs

The closing procession (or recessional) is a freer moment in the liturgy, so there are fewer guidelines about it. This is a time when you can choose a song or instrumental piece that expresses your joy.

Responsorial Psalm

In a Catholic wedding, there are typically three readings. In between the first and the second reading, there is actually a fourth reading from the Bible taken from the Book of Psalms, which is sung. The purpose of this responsorial psalm is to summarize the theme of the readings and further unite the people gathered in expressing their faith through song. A trained cantor leads the psalm by singing the refrain and inviting the assembly to repeat the refrain in between verses that the cantor sings alone.

There are several assigned psalm for weddings, and your wedding coordinator can help you select one of the texts or you can select one from the Together for Life booklet. Your music director can then offer different musical settings of your chosen psalm. You might also find settings of that psalm in your parish hymnal.

You can find psalm settings and music samples from the major Catholic music publishers:

• GIA (http://giamusic.com/);
• OCP (http://ocp.org/);
• WLP (http://www.wlp.jspaluch.com/).

Search using the text of the psalm refrain or by the psalm chapter in the Bible.

Acclamations

Throughout a Catholic liturgy, there are moments when we sing a short refrain. These acclamations are dialogues that heighten the solemnity and punctuate the importance of what is happening in the ritual. These acclamations have assigned texts, so you can’t change them; but your music director can give you different options for musical settings of the texts.

These are the times when we sing an acclamation:

• before the Gospel reading;
• three times during the Eucharistic Prayer (if celebrating a Catholic Mass)
• and once right before Communion (if celebrating a Catholic Mass)

Listen for these in your Sunday Mass to get a sense of what setting you like.

3. Catholic wedding music is rooted in Scripture, sacred writings, or Catholic Church teaching.

Because your wedding is a ritual of the Catholic Church, the lyrics of your wedding songs need to represent the Catholic faith. Your best bet is to stick with words from the Bible or with songs you find in your parish’s hymnals. When you are at church next Sunday, look through your parish’s song book for Catholic hymns for weddings. Often, hymnals will group songs together by theme or purpose. Look in the index or table of contexts for sections of hymns on “love” or “marriage.”

Can you use wedding music that does not fit these three principles?

That is up to the parish liturgical staff where you will be married. The Catholic Church gives guidelines, but it is up to each parish, operating under the policies of the local diocese, to implement those guidelines as they see most appropriate for each particular situation. Some parishes will be very strict about following rules; others will be more lenient. But all of them are trying their best to help you celebrate your wedding in a prayerful, joyful, and memorable way.

If you find that you’re getting some resistance from the parish staff to your musical choices, remember that your entire wedding day is filled with opportunities to incorporate your preferences. Not everything has to be done within your wedding ceremony at the church. Think of ways you can use that favorite song at your rehearsal dinner, wedding reception, or even in a special private moment of preparation with your spouse-to-be and your closest family and friends.

When you look at your entire day as one big ritual moment, then you are freer to move within the guidelines of the Church to make your wedding ceremony as beautiful as it can be.

(photo credit: Caucas’)

Working with couples in marriage preparation, we always get to the conversation about how the couple intends to plan their family. More often than not, the man goes silent and looks at the woman to see how she will respond.

Kind of odd.

It’s not as though women are capable of fertility alone. Quite the contrary, the gift of fertility in marriage, by its very nature, is shared. We can have no fertility without our spouses. It is not my fertility or your fertility. There is only our fertility. So, why should a man leave all of the planning about fertility to the woman?

It is hard to blame the men. So much of what goes into reproductive care is geared towards women. Our culture does not leave much for the men to do but show up.

What is a couple to do, then? How can a couple put as much energy and intentionality into sharing the gifts and responsibilities of their fertility as they do into managing finances and free time, choosing linens and lawnmowers, and planning dream vacations?

What is Natural Family Planning (NFP)?

Natural Family Planning (NFP) is a method that couples use to both avoid and achieve pregnancy and gain deeper understanding of and appreciation for the gift of sexuality.

The basics are these: a woman’s body has natural cycles of fertility and infertility. Modern science has determined highly reliable indicators  such as body temperature and cervical mucus, to identify fertile and infertile phases of a woman’s cycle. The couple charts the indicators daily (electronically or on paper) and then uses that knowledge to achieve or avoid pregnancy.

That’s it.

No chemicals. No pills. No hormones or devices. No side effects.

Just a husband and a wife using their bodies and their brains.

Multiple methods exist under the umbrella of NFP. Some methods are what are called “single-index,” which use only one symptom or indicator for determining fertility. The most well known of these single-index methods are the Billings Ovulation Method and the Creighton Model FertilityCare System. Other methods are “multi-index,” and are often referred to as sympto-thermal methods. Such organizations as Northwest Catholic Counseling and the Diocese of Harrisburg teach these.

NFP Effectiveness: Does it Work?

Couples can expect NFP effectiveness ratings of up to 99 percent depending upon the method, proper training, and consistent use. Medical research has repeatedly shown that using NFP correctly is just as effective as using artificial means of contraception.

Of course, if a couple is not committed to using the method or does not use it properly, it does not work—which holds true as well for methods of artificial contraception.

National organizations and individual dioceses train instructors and offer NFP courses in person or online. Many husbands or soon-to-be husbands going through NFP classes remark on how much they learn about the bodies of their wives. Indeed, when a couple shares charting responsibilities, a husband is often able to anticipate shifts in the cycle of his spouse and to better understand changes in temperament that are linked to her fertility cycle. This mutual deeper knowledge can be of great benefit to a healthy marriage.

The Impact of NFP on Marriage

NFP is often described as a “blueprint for a good marriage” because using it encourages open, honest, and direct communication as well as mutual understanding and respect within the most intimate sphere of a couple’s sex life.

Because the couple has to be on the same page about their intentions for their current state of life—are we ready for children now or not—they have to be on the same page about their fertility as well. That only happens through conversations that tie in many different aspects of marital life: finances, the availability of time and health, personal desires about the size of their family, the timing of the birth of children, a sense of what God is calling them to at this time, etc.

It is not that every time a couple is ready for intercourse, they have to sit down over a cup of tea and negotiate their life plan together. Rather, using NFP keeps that conversation fresh and in the forefront for a couple, so that it may surface from time to time during a hike or a cross-country drive. NFP weaves those conversations into the fabric of marital life because they are always relevant. These conversations are a big help as a couple seeks to grow in unity throughout their marriage.

On a couple’s wedding day, they receive many gifts, but none are bigger than the gift of fertility that they share with one another. NFP facilitates responsible use and stewardship of that gift, and it helps couples work towards unity in body and mind.

(photo credit: tanakawho)

Join Dr. Anthony Garascia on Tuesday, February 19

All marriage preparation coordinators and volunteers are invited to join Ave Maria Press for a webinar with tips on designing effective programs to prepare couples for the Sacrament of Matrimony. On Tuesday, February 19, 2013 at 3:00pm EDT, Dr. Anthony Garascia will be the featured presenter in the ongoing Ave Maria Press Professional Development Webinar Series. In this Webinar, titled “Before They Do: Helping Couples Prepare for the Sacrament of Marriage,” Dr. Anthony Garascia will focus on how host couples or group sessions can help engaged couples prepare best for their marriage. Critical issues of communication and conflict resolution will be addressed, as well as suggestions on how to integrate the FOCCUS and Prepare-Enrich inventories into the marriage preparation.

Sign up for the webinar today!

Dr. Garascia is the author of the marriage preparation book, Before “I Do”, published by Ave Maria Press. Before “I Do” helps engaged couples examine the thorny issues of marriage through the lens of the best of behavioral science and Catholic sacramental theology. The workbook is designed for use in couple-to-couple or small group marriage preparation programs. Six sessions are offered with each session focusing on a particular skill set for building strong marriage relationships. Sessions conclude with compelling real-life case studies of couples with questions and activities for reflection.

Read through the following ten tips for effective listening and choose just one to implement today and develop as a good communication habit.

10 Tips for Effective Listening

1. Make a commitment to listen to this person at this moment.
2. Do not act as though you are listening if your heart is not in it or if the time is not right for you to listen.
3. If you want to listen but are not free to pay attention at the moment, say so, but add that you would like to listen later. For example: “I can’t give you my attention now, but how about we talk after I finish this report, say at 3:00?”
4. Focus on the speaker with your eyes and your body position.
5. Focus on the speaker’s feelings, needs, and perceptions or on the information that is being communicated.
6. Register your own feelings, needs, and perceptions.
7. Be aware of your typical non-listening behaviors and try to control them.
8. Offer back what you are hearing in your own words with your voice rising in a questioning tone.
9. Don’t presume that what you are hearing is exactly what the speaker is trying to say.
10. Don’t stop listening after your first effort to express understanding. Keep listening until the speaker confirms that you have really understood.

Once you master one of these tips, move on to another tip. So, this evening you might decided to focus on tip #4 “focus on the speaker with your eyes and your body position.” Doing this just once is probably just the tip of the iceberg. Focus your attention on your eyes and body position, then evaluate how well you did.

Try it again in the morning, then again the following night. Do this for a few days and you’ll be able to make good eye contact and body position a habit that pays off in the way you communicate with your spouse.

Once you’ve mastered one of the tips above, move on to another. Only focus on one at a time. The more focus you can place on these listening and communications skills, the more you will be able to develop a level of mastery that is going to pay dividends in your marriage.

Don’t hide the fact that you are working on your listening skills. Be up front about it with your spouse. Ask for feedback after a serious conversation. Apologize for making mistakes or falling short of being a good listener. The more humble you can be about how well you listen, the better spouse you may become.

Did you try to implement one of these ten tips for effective listening? How did it go? Share your stories in the comments below.

(photo credit: B Rosen)

Here are ten ways you can celebrate the Year of Faith with your spouse in 2012-2013:

1. Read the Catechism of the Catholic Church

The Catechism of the Catholic Church contains a synthesis of the Catholic faith. The Catechism is broken up into four parts: the profession of faith, the sacraments, morality, and prayer. People tend to be a little intimidated when first picking it up, but the Catechism contains excellent descriptions of our faith. All too often we let the media and hearsay influence what we think the Church teaches without ever reading it for ourselves.

Flocknote has a free way to sign up to read the Catechism in small portions throughout the Year of Faith. Sign up, read the portions of the Catechism, and talk about it with your spouse at night.

2. Share Your Faith with Another Married Couple

For whatever reason, we tend to feel uncomfortable about sharing our faith. We can feel awkward and preachy like we’re trying to convert people or proselytize. As a result, we hide the important ideals and beliefs that we cling to. We keep our relationship with God to ourselves as if it was too personal to give away.

The Year of Faith is a great opportunity to get over this fear of sharing your faith. You don’t need to be pushy to share what you believe. Start with an invitation. Invite another couple to come to Mass. Ask them to join you at a parish event. Invite them over for dinner and start the meal with prayer or a reading from Scripture.

If they take you up on the invitation, then great, you can expand on that. If they ask you questions, then perfect! If not, don’t be discouraged. Being yourselves is the best way to share what you believe.

3. Pray Together for at Least Fifteen Minutes

Can you set aside just fifteen minutes of your time to pray together? Praying with your spouse doesn’t have to be difficult. The hard part is setting aside the time. Here are some things you can do during those fifteen minutes of prayer:

• Read a passage from the Bible and talk about it.
• Read today’s readings from the USCCB’s website.
• Pray the Rosary. (Buy an app for it.)
• Pray the Divine Mercy Chaplet.
• Get a prayer book.
• Pray the Liturgy of the Hours (Vespers)

You can try these prayer ideas or make up some of your own. The key is setting aside the time and making prayer a habit. The commitment to prayer and just showing up together will make a big difference.

4. Volunteer at Your Parish

Your local parish needs help. There are so many ways to get involved in Catholic parishes. Are you interested in teaching children in a religious education program? Could you chaperone a teen retreat? Would you be willing to set aside some time to volunteer at a soup kitchen? Can you babysit?

There are so many ways to get involved with your parish. Contact your parish by phone to ask for ways you can help.

5. Go to Confession

When was the last time you and your spouse participated in the Sacrament of Reconciliation? It can be a very freeing experience. It is always a little scary at first, especially if you’re not used to going, but the fruits of the experience far outweigh the fears. Check your local parish’s schedule for the Sacrament of Reconciliation (also called Penance or Confession) for times, typically on Saturdays.

6. Talk about Tough Issues while Remaining Faithful

The Year of Faith has a particular focus on our faithfulness to God, but why not build upon your faithfulness to your spouse. The only way to strengthen your union together is through communication and overcoming conflict. You have to push through the tough conversations. Keeping your faith in marriage despite disagreements and challenges is how you build up the strength that carries you through the toughest times in your married life.

7. Start a Bible Study with Your Spouse

How often do you read the Bible? How often do you read the Bible with your spouse? Make the commitment to read a book of the Bible and talk about it together. You might even consider using your copy of Together for Life to do a mini-Bible study with all of the possible readings for a Catholic wedding in addition to the ones you selected.

Read the scripture passage, read the reflection, then discuss what it says to you and how it connects to your relationship together. Set aside a designated time to do this together. Make it a part of your next date night.

8. Read a Good Book on Catholic Theology

If you are really into reading, you can pick up a good book about Catholic theology together. Read chapters each week and set aside some time to discuss the book together. Try your best to relate it back to your relationship together and your relationship to the Church. Ave Maria Press publishes a series of books by Msgr. Peter J. Vaghi based on the Catechism that might be a good place to start:

• The Faith We Profess 
• The Sacraments We Celebrate 
• The Commandments We Keep 
• The Prayer We Offer 

9. Follow Updates on the Year of Faith

The Diocese of Fort Wayne-South Bend and popular iPhone app creators Little iApps have partnered to create an interactive way to participate in the Year of Faith. You can visit the website at www.myyearoffaith.org or download the app called “My Year of Faith” available both in the iTunes Store and Android Marketplace.

10. Renew Your Vows

Whether you were baptized as an infant or a participant in an RCIA program, you or your parents and godparents professed the faith through the Catholic baptismal vows. We renew our baptismal vows at various points throughout the year, including baptismal ceremonies and Easter Sunday. Renewing these vows is renewing the faith that you profess as a Christian.

You can also take this year as an opportunity to renew your marriage vows. You pledged to be faithful to your spouse in marriage. Renewing these vows gives you the opportunity to renew this pledge of faithfulness.

Contact your parish for opportunities to do this as a part of a Church ceremony or renew them privately as a couple in your home.

What Other Ways Can We Celebrate the Year of Faith?

These are only ten suggestions. There are, of course, many other ways to live out the Year of Faith as a married couple. If you have additional ideas as a married person or as a parish leader, post them in the comments below!

1. What should engaged couples and newly married couples focus on first? Debt? Investing? Buying a house?

A newly married couple’s focus will vary based on their financial goals and situation. Generally, achievement of one objective will lead to another. For example, if you do not have an established credit rating, you should focus on getting your debt under control. Once your debt is manageable, you will be able to focus on saving, which leads to the opportunity to purchase a home, invest for the future, or achieve other financial goals.

2. What is the best way to resolve conflicts and disagreements about financial matters?

Your marriage partnership is also a financial partnership and it’s very important to participate and communicate. Both spouses should be involved in the household finances. Set guidelines for financial decisions and talk regularly about your progress toward your financial goals.

3. Should newly married couples combine their bank accounts?

Merge at least some of your money. Doing so will make you more accountable to one another. For example, start a shared checking account for household expenses or a savings account for a down payment on a home.

4. What are some challenges that couples typically need to overcome to create and follow a budget?

The biggest hurdle is “how do I start?” Track two months’ worth of income and expenses to determine where you are spending your hard-earned money. Set budget goals and review them together on a monthly basis. Utilize the expense tracking tools generally available with online banking or use a personal finance package like Quicken or Mint.com.

5. Should newly married couples buy a house right away or rent for a while first?

With today’s housing market and low interest rates, home ownership is attainable for many couples. However, you need a good credit rating, a down payment, and a reliable income source. If you do not have all three, rent for a while and position yourself for future home ownership by getting your debt under control and saving.

About Dan Lloyd

Dan Lloyd, an advisor with Catholic Financial Life, has over twenty-five years experience in the financial services industry. He is a Certified Public Accountant (CPA) and holds the designations of Chartered Life Underwriter (CLU) and Chartered Financial Consultant (ChFC).

His specialties include retirement planning, asset allocation, education funding, life insurance analysis, income replacement, mortgage/debt coverage, estate planning, and charitable giving.

About Catholic Financial Life

Catholic Financial Life is not an ordinary life insurance company. The organization works solely for the benefit of its members. As a faith-based not-for-profit, Catholic Financial Life gives back to members and their communities—not Wall Street investors—returning about 80% of earnings in 2011. And with $1.2 billion in assets, $4.9 billion of insurance in force, and a 144-year-old track record of financial strength, Catholic Financial Life is the oldest and second largest Catholic fraternal life insurer in America.

(photo credit: Oberazzi cc)

In this webinar, intended for parish leaders and ministers, Fr. Cameli will give an overview and history of the Catholic Church’s teaching about homosexuality, including teachings about gay marriage.

To sign up for this free webinar, you may register online with Go To Webinar.

Here is the full description:

Rev. Louis J. Cameli, nationally renowned pastoral leader and priest of the Archdiocese of Chicago, will explore the cultural, ecclesial, and pastoral context within which he wrote his recently published book, “Catholic Teaching on Homosexuality.” The webinar will introduce participants to the topics of the book as well as extend the conversation for those participants who already have some familiarity with it. The webinar’s question and comment component will provide participants with opportunities to raise questions, seek clarifications, or offer alternate perspectives.

Rev. Louis J. Cameli is a priest of the Archdiocese of Chicago who was ordained in 1969. He served on the faculty of the University of Saint Mary of the Lake / Mundelein Seminary in a number of roles, including professor of spiritual theology, director of spiritual life, and president of the ecclesiastical faculty of theology. Cameli was the founding director of the Office for Ongoing Formation of Priests of the Archdiocese and served as pastor of Divine Savior Parish in Norridge, Illinois. Appointed by Cardinal Francis George as the Archbishop’s Delegate for Formation and Mission, Cameli currently serves as a resource theologian to the agencies of the Archdiocese. He holds a doctorate in theology from the Pontifical Gregorian University in Rome. 

This Professional Development Webinar Series is presented in partnership between Ave Maria Press, the National Conference for Catechetical Leadership, the National Federation of Priests’ Councils, and the National Association for Lay Ministry.

Update: View the Recording of the Webinar: “Catholic Teaching on Homosexuality”

• Saint Adelaide of Burgundy (Patron Saint of Second Marriages)
• Saint Gengulphus of Burgundy (Patron Saint of Difficult Marriages)
• Saint Joseph (Patron Saint of Married People)
• Saint Monica (Patron Saint of Married Women)
• Saint Priscilla (Patron Saint of Good Marriages)
• Saint Rita of Cascia (Patron Saint of Difficult Marriages)
• Saint Thomas More (Patron Saint of Difficult Marriages)
• Saint Valentine (Patron Saint of Happy Marriages)

Below you can find a brief biography of each patron saint of marriage along with links to further information and readings about them.

Saint Adelaide of Burgundy (of Italy)

Saint Adelaide, patron saint of second marriages, was a princess who married Otto the Great, the Holy Roman Emperor. Empress Adelaide was very popular with her people and became a much loved queen and one of the most prominent European women in the tenth century. Her first husband, Lothair II, the king of Italy, died of poisoning. Towards the end of her life, this great empress retired to a convent in Alsace, where she spent her remaining days leading a life of prayer.

Read more about St. Adelaide at SQPN and EWTN.

Saint Adelaide, patron saint of second marriages, pray for us! 

Saint Gengulphus

Saint Gengulphus is the patron saint of difficult marriages. Unwilling to shame his unfaithful wife, he sought a life of solitude in his castle in Avallon. Unfortunately, he was murdered by his wife’s lover.

Read more about St. Gengulphus at SQPN and Gengulphus.org.

Saint Gengulphus, patron saint of difficult marriages, pray for us! 

Saint Joseph

So much can be said about St. Joseph. As the husband of the Virgin Mary and father-figure to Jesus, Joseph is clearly an important source of intercession for married people. He had the deepest respect for his wife, the Virgin Mary, and led a life of service to her and young Jesus.

Read more about St. Joseph in the first two chapters of the Gospels of Matthew and Luke or at SQPN and Catholic Online.

Saint Joseph, patron saint of married people, pray for us! 

Saint Monica

Faithful mother to Saint Augustine of Hippo, Saint Monica is the patron saint of married women and mothers. Despite an ill-tempered husband, a critical mother-in-law, and a stubbornly sinful son, she persisted in an intimate prayer life with God, interceding often on the behalf of others. As a result of her fervent prayer, her husband, mother-in-law, and son Augustine converted to Christianity. Saint Monica’s example of prayer should be a guiding light to all married people, both women and men.

To find out more about St. Monica, visit the Catholic Fire, American Catholic, and SQPN.

Saint Monica, patron saint of married women, pray for us! 

Saint Priscilla

Saint Priscilla is often mentioned with her husband Saint Aquila. St. Priscilla and St. Aquila were friends with St. Paul and important early Christian martyrs. They supported early Christians by supplying their home as a place for Christians to meet and worship. They are mentioned seven times in the New Testament in the book of Acts and in St. Paul’s letters. St. Priscilla is the patron saint of good marriages.

Read more about Saint Priscilla and Saint Aquila at Catholic Online and Wikipedia.

Saint Priscilla, patron saint of good marriages, pray for us! 

Saint Rita of Cascia

Satin Rita is the patron saint of difficult marriages and impossible causes. In her youth she wanted to enter a convent and become a nun, but her parents arranged for her marriage anyway. She lived out her vocation to marriage and motherhood despite her violent husband. After many difficult years of marriage and many prayers, Rita’s husband repented, but was soon killed by an enemy of his. Later she fulfilled her dream of becoming a nun, joining an Augustinian convent.

Read more about St Rita of Cascia at Catholic Online and American Catholic.

Saint Rita, patron saint of difficult marriages, pray for us! 

Saint Thomas More

Saint Thomas More is a famous Catholic saint who stood up to Henry VIII in defense of the Catholic Church’s teachings on marriage. King Henry VIII of England wished to divorce his wife and marry another woman, but he was unable to obtain the Pope’s blessing. St. Thomas More was tried and unjustly convicted of treason for not acknowledging the king as the head of the Church of England. He would later be martyred for his faith and loyalty to the Church. Despite the fact that he is the patron saint of difficult marriages, he enjoyed two happy marriages, one to his beloved wife Jane Colt who died at a young age, and later to a widow named Alice Middleton. It was the difficult marriage of Henry VIII that earned More the patronage of difficult marriages, not his own life as a husband.

For more information about St. Thomas More, who is known for many other accomplishments, check out Catholic Online, Catholic Encyclopedia, and The History Guide.

Saint Thomas More, patron saint of difficult marriages, pray for us! 

Saint Valentine

Known for the popular holiday St. Valentines Day, the real Saint Valentine is the patron saint of happy marriages, betrothed couples, love, lovers, young people, and (fittingly) greeting card manufacturers. Despite the holiday for lovers, Saint Valentine was actually a martyred priest who was beheaded in Rome on February 14th in Rome. Very little is known about Saint Valentine and it is believed that the traditions of Valentines Day developed in England inspired by the work of Geoffrey Chaucer. In 1969, the feast of Saint Valentine was removed from the Roman Catholic Calendar of Saints because so little is known about his life and certainly not enough to connect with the common practices associated with the holiday today.

Read more about the history and legend of Saint Valentine at Wikipedia, SQPN, and Catholic Online.

Saint Valentine, patron saint of happy marriages, pray for us! 

P.S. If you are looking for more information about Catholic saints and the family life, take a look at A Book of Saints for Catholic Moms published by Ave Maria Press.